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Life has been extra hectic the last month or so. My real life job has been draining me emotionally as I have dealt with so people with major issues. The chaos they have brought into that environment has been staggering. I also just have lost all desire to be at times. I feel lost in the one place I can be the true me.
Reading stories has become the main outlet for me. Even more than porn vids. I dream of being something else besides the pathetic boi I am. My health is not good I think. It has also been a real struggle with my triggers that push my depression along. I am a mess and i guess I can see why I am not able to have a relationship either in real life or on-line.
I dream many dreams now where I am entranced and made a servant to my Master and his whims. He is always a very well built Black Man with strange magical powers. I am often licking another of his thralls while he fucks my pussy raw. Then I wake up and feel empty.
I am working right now to self-trance myself before bed in the hopes of dreaming of being a real girl and being loved. I just thought I would check in and let those who cared know I am alive and still screwed up.
Alexia
One thing I desire immensely is to become a hypnotic slave to a loving person. I get so aroused and thrilled by being tranced. So far it is only mP3's and some chat trances. Oh, but to one day be totally submerged in the control of another, it would be bliss. I imagine the act now and just fall softly into a self-imposed trance. My new Mistress has had me create a place in my mind and it seems to be where I end up. I dream in there of her changing me to fit her whims and making me a sex toy. Life would be so much easier if it were that more and the problems I face looking after others less.
*SIGH*
Alexia
I know it was bitchy, its why I used Cristina's lyrics to title this one. It has been a month. I really just was curious in a way. I had been busy and entering a hectic time. I noticed I had missed two weeks on the Blog. My bitch side took over and just wanted to see if anyone would miss me.
Seems no one did. I stayed off of Rachel's Haven as well. I apparently wasn't even missed. I have become so non-active that I guess I don't exist anymore. I watched so many I was close to leave. I realized I was not able to be a part of the communities like I was at first. Part of me wonders if I were still as messed up if I would have stayed as connected.
Isn't it weird how when I was off kilter I was more desirable to be around. Start trying to get better and you become lost. I miss a few people, but I guess I am just not enough fun to be missed. Sorry about that being away stuff. I hope to be the rest of the lyrics and "Keep Getting Better."
Alexia Rose
I am having health issues of the other kind. I don't know what is wrong with the right side of my head. It hurts right around my ear, outward and downward. I really feel bad when it hurts. I cheated and ate some yummy Easter candy and I think my sugar has spiked. Otherwise I am doing OK I guess.
Part of me is worrying about how I responded to Star. Her message came at the worst time. I was really under a depressive state and the meds were messing with me. I was probably short with her. That is wrong since really she can't help the situation. I just know my heart can't take it. I am more angry at those that probably knew what was happening and just glossed over it when I asked about her.
Otherwise I just want to be used. I wish I could have a cock ramming my pussy while I eat out a sexy gal. That would be nice. Kisses lovelies!
Alexia
I think it helped me to write the crazy down during this last period of depression and anxiety. Probably didn't do anything for those of you that read my Blog other than think I am even nuttier than you thought before. It has been a rough week. I am still not sure what to do about somethings or how I feel about some things.
I do know that the pill for extreme cases makes me not be horny. I had zero desires during the period those two pills were working. Not sure if that is good or bad. I like feeling horny in a bunch of ways. Still, it keeps me from thinking of how to remove myself from this world and I guess that is a positive. I still want to fade away, but I am not actively thinking of how to accomplish it.
I think it is bedtime. Have a headache from the changing weather. Hope you all are doing well.
Alexia
I am breaking free of the medication fog a bit. I feel really numb emotionally, with spurts of anger and self-hate. Makes it hard to move into my job tonight with the kids. Hard to express that they should love themselves enough to resist dark things when I really have no love for myself.
I have to put on the boy suit that hides my true self. It is hard to keep from expressing myself as a male when I have so many girls in crisis. The female me is hurting for them and I know for society's rules I can't really help in ways that matter because I am not outwardly the gender needed.
I am really messed up inside. I probably was kinda short in replying to Star. Yeah Star sent me messages and the health issues I was worried about were the deal. I figure that some I reached out to knew this and just didn't tell me. I was messed up on the med when I replied, so I now think back and figure I was not nice, no really mean, just a numb reply. Probably let my hurt in too much.
If I had the social skills to deal with relationships, then I guess I would not be a 40 year old virgin T-girl stuck in a male body. As the Firefly quote goes, "If wishes were horses we all would be eating meat." The picture here is how I wish I appeared. I bet I would have no problem, even if I were shy finding a girlfriend or a boy to play with. people like me live in a prison. We can't really trust anyone. For me if my town discovered I was Transgendered, I would be demonize. All sources of income would be ended. I bet many already think I am gay. Being 40 and single in this area just has those assumptions. Now I even have to think about how dishonest I would be if I did find some woman interested in me.
Time to get in the costume and be the boy for a few hours. I am glad to know Star is doing better, I just wish I could let go enough where I don't hurt so much every time she disappears.
Alexia
Never felt the need to take two of the pills in 24 hours until now. My head is swimmy. I feel really bitchy too. I ache in my neck joints. Just want to rest and not feel anything.
