I am still around

I know I have been away from the Blog and have probably worried some of you.  I am under the control of Depression, but just not the suicidal thoughts.  Right now it is the sleep and irritable parts.  I work and then just crash.  Probably the Diabetes has some effect as well.  I did want to write something so people would know I am here, just not inspired to write anything.  I did get one caption a month ago made for the Haven Quarterly.  Can't share it because it is exclusive to that publication.

I masturbate and read porn a lot.  The one good thing about having a small little cock is that it has learned to not become erect.  I like that feeling of being close to girlhood.  I sometimes wish that deformity of flesh that hangs below was gone as well.  Still, I seem to be at peace in terms of how my sexual solo acts work.  Still dream of being of service to a Master and Mistress.

My long hair has done something interesting.  At times I am being called ma'am.  I get an inward smile.  The funniest is when they are confused.

Just wanted to check in Sweeties.

Alexia Rose  

In my head.......

 I feel the collar bringing my deepest desires into reality.  Gone is all traces of the Boy and left is the woman I am.  Through the tight undergarment that secures my precious treasure moisture forms.  My head jerks with the pull of the chain and I know Mistress is displeased with my slowness in meeting her needs.  My mind begins to clear as I bend and take my punishment like a good girl.  Each strike makes me want to please her.  I resist the urge to finger my newly formed sex.  I know Mistress deserves an obedient slave.  I cross my legs to increase the tension of my ass cheeks.  Soon I will be given the commands that will allow me to show my devotion to this Goddess of Feminine Power.  My clit throbs as I feel my body flush with arousal.  The punishment is at an end.  My Mistress whispers soothing words in my ear.  Instructions that I eagerly await to follow.  She rubs a cooling salve over my red buttocks and then removes the impediments to my oral devotion.

She pulls my chain so my head descends rapidly to her sweet treasure.  Grabbing my hair she commands I pleasure her.  I quickly begin to lick and suck on her lips, building a slow dance with my tongue before diving into her soft folds.  I lap as the hungry doggie she wishes me to be.  My own pleasure is nothing, only she deserves pleasure.  I work a steady rhythm as I lick and tease her folds.  I gather her nub above my probing tongue and gently play with it.  Soon a am sucking and working her treasure as a skilled musician would play their instrument.  I feel her squirm and writhe in sweet joy as her crescendo builds.  She is resilient and enables me to work her over and over again as I taste the nectar of my Goddess.  Her juices energize me and allow more effort on my part to keep her riding wave upon wave of rapturous pleasure.   My nipples harden as I hear the gasps of enjoyment leave her lips.

I continue to tease her outer folds as she pulls my hair to guide my carnal work.  I nip and tenderly bite between using my tongue to penetrate her most sacred well.   She tells me of how pleased she is with me.  each word making my arousal grow.  The phrase Good Girl triggers my hypnotic commands and makes me shudder as I work her over and over.  Soon I feel the vibrations of release well inside her.  I clamp my mouth over her and begin drinking of her nectar as I feel my own wetness increase.  She is screaming Good Girl and I suck harder while completing the sexual circuit we have created.

She lies back panting as I kneel beside her.  Soon she gathers enough strength to rise and guide me to her bed chamber.  I strip naked as does Mistress.  I curl up in her waiting arms and drift off into a pleasant sleep inside her protective embrace.  Her breast warm my back as her hand slowly caresses my body.  She tells me she loves me and we will always be together.  I know that when I take the collar off I will still be hers and I smile.

Existing

There are a hundred things I should be doing right now.  I seem to have to fight nowadays to just get going.  I want to just sleep and let my mind wander.  That is where I can be free from the sadness and loneliness.  I can think of things like I did last night.  I thought about really finding a computer program like in the Erotic Mind Control Archive that is called the Master PC.  I could change reality to where I was always a lovely red haired gal and be in my same job and life.  Then I internalized the reality changing magic of the program and I have the powers I have thought about for so long.

 

I immediately go and heal Rachel, Jillisa, and Bren.  It takes some creative talking to find them, but I do and each gets the health that they deserve.  No more pain and hospitals.  No more doctors not listening.  It is one thing I desire most to be able to do.  I visited Nick.  Somehow my mind stopped short of things between my Sweet Boy and My Star.

 

This depression is different.  I don't just wish myself away.  No scary thoughts of how to end my life, maybe the pill I take is working with that respect.  It is just sadness and loneliness.  Just a sense of being tired and wanting to just not move.  Like a meditation or something.  I have been reading runs of comics, so I know I am falling into my safety zone.  I want to eat constantly, so it is good the house is not filled with stuff I crave.  I just and struggling.  I need to get the Boy in gear and have him get his responsibilities met.

 

Alexia 

I am numb

I really am just writing because I have no one to talk to.  That is part of what my Blog has become I guess.  I am so empty feeling.  I wonder how "the Boy" has anything to give others like he does.  We both share this feeling.  Somehow he still reaches out to others and gives pieces of ourselves to others.  I see it killing us.  He is lucky in many ways.  I seem to get the feelings that are negative.  I know I am talking crazy, but it is my Blog and I can do that.  Maybe I am protecting him....I know he is as lonely as I am, we are the same inside.  He is so scared.  He knows that it will be the end of him if anyone ever knew he was really a girl.  No pitchforks and torches, but the end of a life.  

I know that we are both tired.  We just want to let go and be nothing at times.  It would be so nice to not exist I think.  That little fantasy we have of being from a place devoid of physical being is attractive now.  When you are never touched.  When you feel unloved.  I guess you long for surroundings that equal your place in this life.  Why is it so important to be embraced?  Why is important to have a real kiss? Why do I miss something that has only ever occurred in my imagination?  

I want someone to hold hands with, to snuggle under a blanket with, to feel like someone cares about me.

Alexia

Not Sure Why I am Still Up?

I am awake and tired.  I know if I lie down my mind will race with ideas for stories, imagined conversations with people, and just random things that will keep me from rest.  I am in such a hard place right now.  I am down and sad.  I long to be touched and have day dreams that involve that.  I honestly think not having any intimate contact is killing me inside.  I force myself to be "The Boy" and live.  All the while I just want to surrender and be girl that is loved.

My talk of late must seem whiny.  I guess that is why even those at the Haven never seem to talk when I have tried in the past to chat or email.  They are right I guess to stay away from my moods.  Bren foretold this, she said that if I was away much I would not stay connected.  I use to be invited to be a part of things.  I enjoyed the football pick thing.  S'funny how you can be a part and then not.  I guess if I had something to offer it would be different.  All I ever had was the biggest crush ever on my Star and craziness that became so unhealthy I was like I am tonight, up way too late.  Tonight though I am alone.

Being depressed is the most illogical thing in the world.  All the fears and insecurities just drown you.  I guess I should be happy that it is just sadness.  That is funny happy for sadness.  What I mean is that at least I am not having the thoughts of how to end my life.  No, tonight and right now it is just this empty feeling.  I guess it will be worse as the big day approaches.  the big 40.  I will be a 40 year old virgin.  A childless loser.  Part-time pay in a world where I am expendable.  

I know, I am babbling.  It is what my head is like if I were laying in the bed.  I dream of weird things.  I had a scary dream the other night.  I was trying to keep these children safe from a killer.  We were in a building and he was after us and I had to keep them moving.  I have a bunch of dream like that where lives are in danger.  At least I have not had the one where the Nazi shots me in the head in the apocalyptic world.  That one always wakes me with my heart racing and the feeling I died.  I wonder if the Sleep Apnea Machine helps keep that one at bay?

I should at least try and sleep.  

Alexia

My Mind is Weird

I wish I felt like being sexy right now.  I am in a strange place.  I know I am suffering the effects of depression.  I cannot sleep.  I am grouchy.  I am just divided between wanting to just let go and be me and the reality of the responsibilities the "boy" has to do.  I want to just leave this body and be in one that has curves and can wear bikinis and one where men and women desire me.  Is that too much universe?

I went to bed praying for God to change me.  I know it can happen.  A woman in the US experienced it.  She had a bee sting that somehow restarted the glands that would have made her female when younger.  She is now living as she should have been.  The changes helped her become fully who she was and after the surgeries finished it, well.....I know it is possible.  For my situation that could be the way to have things happen.  I wish I knew how to make that happen.

I have some cap ideas.  One thing though I have been doing is making caps for the Haven Quarterly eZine.  It helps raise money to run the site.  That helps Rachel a great deal and it is a way this broke ass gal can help out.  That means that they are exclusive to the Haven.  Sorry.  Just be patient.  I might get back to sharing my fantasies soon.  Right now I just really want to be taken and used.  Or have My Star hold me again.....but I know that will never happen.

Alexia

Hello Sweeties.

I have been in a weird place mentally.  The boy has been busy and I have just kinda stayed back and really just been an online hermit gal.  I would get on YIM and just feel left behind or alone.  I didn't want to burden the people that care about me and I had no one to just have sex with over chat.  I saw a mention of something I had been a part of some time ago at the Haven and felt a bunch of sadness because I have been left out of being included for a few seasons now.  Just being reminded of that hurt a bit more than I realized.

I carry a great deal of guilt over My Star.  I don't chat much with her.....just enough to see how she is doing.  It hurts, even as I write this it hurts thinking about her and the fact that I can never even have a chance.  I hate having this dam ugly male container.  I know it is selfish to still love her after everything, but my heart hurts just knowing I will never be what she can love back.

In about a month's time I will be a 40 year old virgin.  The silly thing is that I doubt I could have sex as a guy, I don't know.....I mean I have such small equipment and I have accepted so fully my self that I cannot see it.  I desire to lose my virginity as a girl would.  So I am screwed up huhn?  I can't even get laid on YIM.  I am so horny all the time and just would love to be used and to have sex like the slutty gal I am, but I guess being careful limits that score.  I seduced my sweet boy a few weeks back.  I really just pulled out all the stops and it was so wonderful.  I miss My Star though.  I have never been as in sync over chat with anyone else.  She was like a conductor playing us a symphony as be made love.

Sorry about being so whiny.  I just feel bad.  I can't find any energy and when I do have it, the needs of the boy's life must come first.

Alexia