I am such a pathetic person

I wish I was a better person. I feel like I have failed my friends somehow. I guess I wish I could be more than I am to them. I even wish sometimes I could share my energy and help heal their pains. This makes me feel so down. It leads me to worry and fret that they are in need of me and I somehow could make their lives better. Then I realize how arrogant and egocentric that is and I see how utterly pathetic I am. I guess I am just too comfortable being depressed sometimes so I push others upon my own shoulders and when I can't do what i want I can at least feed the inner demons I fight. I must be better if I am to make it to better times. OK, rambling, better go to bed.


Alexia

Roller Coaster Moods

I really must say that dealing with depression is very hard. I recognize that I suffer from this daily. I thought I had been doing really well. I had been sad and down, but not retreating to the bed and days of sleep. That is until the other day. It was like falling into a pit of sticky blackness. I could feel darkness wrapping around my mind and dragging me down.

It is scary during those times. I have thoughts I do not like. Realizations that there is ways to go to sleep painlessly, just a few certain combinations of my various medicines and I probably could just sleep. That thought scares me. It is something that those around me do not realize. People here in my life think they can force me to be OK and live life the way they think it should be. They can't see that it causes me to fall faster and harder into the darkness.

It is hard not feeling that you are who you feel like. I guess though that I am now keeping myself from totally giving up. I want to become a person again. I don't see how right now. I get really sad and I cannot focus enough to even write like I want to do. I just need to keep holding on and struggle. I have to fight. I must. If not then I might as well let those voices that say I am worthless win.

So many of us that are realizing we are not to be defined by external gender structures seem to also be alienated and alone. We have problems doing the things we need to do to be a part of society. I believe we are a small percentage of the hidden within the TG community. We have found a sorta freedom on the World Wide Web. In Cyberspace we can be the assertive and confident women we want to be. Does this feed our real life loneliness?

*sigh*

Later Lovelies

Alexia

Frustrated

I am so horny. I am so tired of being trapped inside this virgin shell and only ever having cybersex. Don't get me wrong, you all out there that I play with are fabulous, best ever, no really. Sorry, but I really am horny. I really wish you would take these panties off me and run your tongue along my sex. I promise I am nice and wet. I taste really good I think. Please indulge me a bit. I can almost feel your hands along my body, teasing and caressing. Your tongue feels so nice inside me. *SIGH*

You aren't real. I am not anything but alone. I really need to get laid.

Alexia

Yes...I am a Bunny Lover

I have a Bunny. Do you see her down there to the left? Her name is Ida and she is the cutest little Bunny ever. I have just fed her two carrots. How cool is that? Just please, don't tell Jess over at the Haven that I have her. If she finds out I am a Bunny Lover she might kick me out of the Justice Sluts. *giggle* Yes I am in a silly mood.


Might be a sugar high. I tried making pies tonight. It is a good thing I had two to make. One was my practice pie. I really have a strange looking mess. The second looks really good, but I haven't figured or tried to put the topping on it. I don't think I did the Meringue correct on the practice pie. I am debating whether to just go buy some cool whip and slap on top or attempt the more difficult part.


I am tired and I think I want to go to the family breakfast in a few hours. Oh, well......just a little nap. Kinda slept all morning yesterday anyway.


Ta Ta Darlings!

Alexia

So I Have Had A Bad Day...........

Today has been really different. I have had that strong desire to not do anything but sleep, yet I resisted the urge. I have been so unfocused all day. I desire to fight to being active again. I guess the medicine is working though. My mind did not succumb to the normal despair I feel. I have remained free of the most deeply held parts of my feelings and resisted the darkness.

Still, it was a bad day. One where I had no drive to write or do what I have been trying to push myself to do so I am not happy. It is an improvement I guess. The difficult part will be tomorrow and another day. I have to face that I am screwed up because of the depression. It has weakened me in ways that have to be addressed.

Lady Alexia

I so wish I could dance. I am as graceful as a five left footed platypus. Still, I dream of being filled with the fluid grace of a dancer. Gliding across the floor and twirling around as I let my body become one with the music. Alas, I must dream and hope that some day I might be able to expand on those college lessons I learned. How awesome would it be to have the strength and figure of a dancer. My limbs flexible and my body agile. Stretching out to lengths that defy the imagination. Yes, I wish to dance.

Am I silly? Maybe. I just like to dream. I mean think of the cute and sexy outfits I could wear. I would make a gorgeous dancer. My body full of curves and lines. My feet in motion so as to make me flow like water across the dance floor. Yes, I am in a silly mood sweeties. I must beg your forgiveness on this, I am just in that kind of mood.

Lady Alexia

Happy New Year Darlings!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This is my first New Year's, technically. I have watched inside The Boy for many years. This year though was not so exciting, I didn't get my wish of living out a Katy Perry song. I am hopeful though. 2008 was a hard year even if it caused the boy to accept that I am inside him and let me have control.

I now have to plot a new course for 2009. Things can be better. I know they can. Just as I know one day I may be able to be the woman I want in body and not just soul. I am going to work on that this year. The Boy made a New Year;s Resolution to never make them again. He succeeded, but I am changing things. Alexia resolves to break free of this dead end existence I and The Boy are living. We will use the talents inside us and chart a new course and whether it is alone or we find someone we can love, we will survive.

So again Darlings, Happy 2009.......may it bring you much Joy and Happiness.

Lady Alexia