Could I?

As I get ready for bed I am pondering strongly tonight whether I could go from Non Op Transgendered Girl to a real girl? I know my Dad would not understand and the degree I earned in Graduate School would probably be revoked. I would never serve in my profession again either. The thing is I can feel a peacefulness when I am allowing myself to be fully me as the woman I see myself as now. Would I be able to do it? Could I overcome the fear and truly decide to be a woman?


So I am looking at a life I see denied to me by circumstance and factors of family love and just basically earning a living. I hate what is between my legs. The more I feel like myself these things are constant reminders of the life forced upon me. I look at the time it would take and wish I had been able to see this years ago when I could have been able to really start and live a life as the woman I am. OK, bedtime. Lots to do tomorrow.


Lady Alexia Rose

Is it the Holiday or am I getting better?

Maybe it is that the medicine is working or just the Holiday spirit in the air, but I feel better and almost like smiling sometimes now. I still miss Thumper so bad at times my chest aches. I still have a life that is filled with so much that is depressing, but I can smile some. My friend and Master that plays and just holds me when I need it is so good to me. I have friends that love me. In a few days I know a better man will lead my nation.


I even can see the day I would transition. It still is fantasy, but I can imagine it as possible. I mean I probably am not ever going to have a significant other to worry about. I can see if when some family pass away I might do it. I know that is morbid, but they really would not understand this need to become totally me. It may never happen, but just seeing it in my mind comforts me somehow. I also am defining spiritually what it means to accept that I am really a girl. It makes me feel better and I hope I will be able to fight the darkness more.


Lady Alexia

I am sick sweeties,

I have a yucky sinus infection. Bleagh! I am feeling tired and really nauseous. I wish I was not so prone to these things. I really wish I felt better. I am starting to have caption ideas. So I might can get some stuff done if I can just feel a bit better. I just wanted to say think you to those that for whatever reason read my Blog and follow along. I have read an interesting book called "cycler" that I want to write about soon as well. It is kinda TG related. Fits the two genders in one body theme anyway.

Lady Alexia *sniff*

Petra Gets a Lesson

My friend Petra at Rachel's Haven is such a funny captioner. She makes some of the quirkiest and just sort through your nose stories. I was working to get my mojo back and this pic and the movie The Princess Bride just melded in my head. This caption is one I did for Petra. Love Ya Pea!

Alexia

The Boy's Body Has Been Misbehaning

Something weird has been happening and really this morning it all came to a head in a strange way. The new medicine had a warning about erections and I think since taking it the Boy's body has been having some of these effects happen. It wakes up hard many mornings now hurting and throbbing. This morning was the first time my lustful nature gave in.

I had turned the iTunes radio on and with the sleeping mask I must wear to not stop breathing during my sleep I sat in the recliner. Sometime into the dozing and clearing of my sinuses I lost control and the Boy's body became aroused. My goodness it was weird. To suddenly feel my own womanly lust and dream of licking that sweet girl treasure, yet have this appendage throbbing in my groin. I started rubbing it but felt so ashamed that I was giving in to this very male object.

My thoughts became switched. I thought of a guy under me and me riding him and my breathing eased and then my equipment accepted its new status and withdrew. It became the hole I now command as a woman trapped in this Boy's form. I became aware that it went from arousal to the way it now works as my own weird fake woman's sex. I was still very aroused, but I had overcome the erection. It was weird, but nice. I felt like myself. Now if Santa can just make me a real girl for Christmas.


Lady Alexia

Why?

Why can I not get her out of my head? I still yearn for her. I feel the emptiness our separating has caused me. We are still friends, but it feels so hollow. I miss her teasing me and just her being in my life. I have some people that I care for and am close to, but she was different. Now I question even reaching out because I don't want to be a burden to her. I know how I hurt when I have chatted with her. I stay in pain. I close my eyes and see our hands intertwined and our bodies just close. She was the first person I have ever truly loved. Now she is gone. Why is life so cruel?


Alexia

Let Me Serve You

Today is one of those days I want to be myself, body and soul. This here is how I would love to be. I don't know why I want to just give myself offer to a loving owner and become there latex clad sex doll. It just bubbles underneath my skin. I think I called my friend who lets me play this out Master without the trigger word he uses. Just hearing him call me Pet made my body shudder. I was at peace.


Maybe that is what I crave, a simple peace. Remove everything of self and just live to bring pleasure to one I love. I would serve so well, I know I would. That brings another question that has plagued me. Am I Bi? I know inside I would gladly give head to someone I felt love and safety from. I feel it deep within me. At my core I still love women, but a guy that gains my love and trust would also gain my body and mind to command. Is that being bisexual? Is that narrow accepting inside enough?

I wondered yesterday if I could meditate and cause my body to produce more estrogen than testosterone? If I could figure out how to do that would it cause a shift dramatic enough to warrant a health change of sex? Would that give me a viable medical reason to justify to family and friends I had to change sexes and free me to be the woman I feel I really am? Sometimes I wonder if I am just crazy. Maybe I just want something I can't have.

I am addled loves, better stop writing.

Alexia