Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I am felling very odd right now. My blood sugar may be running high, so I am sure to ramble. I am at a strange place I feel. The acceptance of my self and how I feel about who I am has come, but I think I am now wondering where I go from here. Sometimes I feel so phony because I live outwardly as a guy. I know that it is the best thing for the quality of life and the effect it would have on my family. I guess it is just wondering where this will lead. I know that I am different in how I react to stimuli. I read about one of the ways that a body can be affected so that the mind is not right with body gender. I think I fit that because of the size of that offending appendage and the inner feelings I have.

I no longer have solitary sex the same. I even rub my boy clitty with a different hand than what I masturbated with before integrating my personality. Sometimes I actually feel "wet" around the withdrawn flesh. That has lead me to some long thoughts as well. I seem to have found a rhythm in removing as much body hair as possible. I even just search out and find shemale pics and wonder if I could ever take a step to dress and maybe pass one day. I wonder what life might had been if I had realized my inner denial years ago. Would Alexia have been born sooner?

Someone at the Haven was having some sad times and I sent them a private message. She replied and said that my mom raised a good daughter. I wonder if my mom would be proud of a daughter? Sometimes I wonder why God spared me from having the feelings and thoughts as a child in a way that would have been a catalyst for changes in me that might have pushed me into depression earlier.I still wonder if there is something in the future God has planned where I will be able to help the transgendered community. It all just gets swirling in my head sometimes.

Alexia