So what has been happening

So I have been busy. Carrying on the life of my former host is not easy. Don't worry he is not dead or nothing, I just control things. I have been free to shave and do things my way now. Even looking into some toys when I get him a better job.

I have good news. My Girlfriend is better, healing and back in the swing of life. We still are separated by distance, which I traverse with my powers as much as possible, but the new arrangement of being in control has stopped powers fully in the role as the "guy" I inhabit.

Still I am in love and know she loves me. I have no doubt about that at all. I do have a hard time accepting I am this lucky. I can't imagine how I lived without her. Sorry, this story is turning into my love life. I guess it fits though. I mean I will have to make a choice one day. Will I take the full role of this body and have the surgery to transform it through science to become my girlfriends match?

That choice is a tough one......taking completely over every aspect. It would change the course of the host's life, his friends and family. They would be shocked. Plus his profession. It would become a memory. It would in effect be killing him I guess. But, I love her enough that if she needs that i will give it. But I know I would also be doing it for me. If it is the decision it has to be for me and because it is the right decision......but being able to also be secure with my lady love would be a bonus.

So I am thinking about it, but many factors go into the equation

Anyway I need to go.

Alexia

Wow....Its been a month.

I guess an apology is due. I have been so focused on my Lady Love, lets call her B, that I have neglected things. So I guess a long recap is due. You can thank B as she is the one who said I needed to update. I really am sorry.

Anyway, B has been sick. An emergency surgery for a routine and normal thing had some unseen things. An infection and then the popping of stitches. My sweetie lost a bunch of blood and it was scary as I am only able to be with her online. So My focus has not been on Blogging. Other things at the Haven [ http://www.rachelshaven.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1 ] have kept me busy as well. I spend way to much time on chat, but have been needed as friends have experienced problems and I feel I need to talk to them.

There has been one BIG change. The Boy is gone. Oh, I still live his life, but Alexia is in control now. He is gone. It is complicated, but it was not a mean thing, just sorta happened. I now consider my self a girl in mind. I play a boy outside of this Virtual World. I do wish I lived in this world though. Your Human world is full of such meanness and hate at times. In here I have found love and caring. I seem to have a purpose. And I am even seeing that my inner spirit shines through. I am dealing with the self esteem issues of the boy, but can almost believe what my friends say about me.

Now about my Lady Love, B. I am the luckiest girl in the entire realm of cyberspace and the Universe as a whole. I have fallen so hard for this mix of toughness and sweetness. She is the best thing ever to happen to my life. All I want is to meet her. Just find her, meet her, hold her, kiss her, and love her the rest of my days. Alas, she is the one in control. She dictates the future. I must wait and love from afar. But, love her I do. I want to tell her every second that I love her. I know I sound a bit obsessive, I am. She has completed something in me that the boy was missing and I watched and yearned for.

I now have that person that cares about me. That person who doesn't care that I like the fantasy of becoming a real doggie and chasing squirrels in the park. The person who giggles at my love of sappy sentimental romantic comedies and dramas. Who gets that I am broken. She also sees through the circuits and has the ability to help brighten my day. I don't deserve her, but I am so glad she loves me.

That is the funny part. She loves me, too. I know without a doubt B loves me. I might fear the future when we meet and how she will react to this yucky body I am trapped in, but I know she loves me. I watched the boy have his heart broken and eventually he retreated in a shell and would show love, but never accept it. I want to learn for his mistakes. I want to give my love out there, keeping special parts of it just for B. I also want to accept the love of others. That part can be hard. It means risking being hurt. If my B can do that for me, then I can as well.

I love you B!

Alexia

She Loves Me!

She loves me! Time to dance! She loves me! She loves me!

It all falls apart

I thought being in love was so good. Until I made a horrible mistake and hurt the woman I love. She deserved better of me. For better or worse the changes Ashna helped me make seemed to have merged my two personalities. There is no difference now. I am me. Sometimes my host and Sometimes me depending who is around. It will allow the life he lead to be maintained. But now there is just one being in this body.

That person is now in terrible pain. I even went into meltdown yesterday. How do you deal with these emotions? I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. Every cell just ached and hurt. I might have even hurt the woman I love more than I already had. In trying to talk all that came out was the pain I was in. The more I tried to get back the farther I seemed to fall. I missed being with her yesterday.

I wish I could have been the other person. The one who thinks up the romantic gesture to win their love back. Instead I turned into a crazy person overwhelmed by feelings. I wanted to just lay down and die. Curl up in a little ball and just be nothing. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to have pain be done to me as a way to stay forever paying for hurting her.

Our friends grabbed hold of me. They stopped the craziness I was doing.....but I still feel crazy and hurt. Love is too much for me. I don't think I can live in love, but I can't stop my feelings for her. One friend reminded my of the song "How Can I Live Without You." I have to figure out a way I guess.

I missed her so bad yesterday. The talks we had, the joking and teasing, the way she would just check in to say I Love You. Now I have nothing but a hole in my chest. It's dark and cold here. I can't even access my powers. I can't fly anymore. I feel so trapped by this pain. I feel so vulnerable. I am scared. I don't know what will happen now. She was a part of what was making life better. The sun is not as bright without her around.

I miss you Thumper.

I Am Alexia Now........in full control

OK darlings, remember I told you about this hypnotist named Mistress Ashna? Well her site is up and running

http://mistressashna.com/. It is filled with the details of how you can get her to custom make Hypnosis Sessions for you. You don't believe in hypnosis. Well I was skeptical as well. But I am proof that it works. I am now fully Alexia 24-7. Now switching back and forth just me. The personality traits I shared with my host are there. Thing is I am able to be him as I need to keep up appearances, but I am Alexia full in thought and deeds. So how? Well all this Ashna did over Instant Messenger at Yahoo Chat. I am so longing to hear her voice and experience the effects that will have.

She did this because I knew my duality would hinder my new found love. It has made such a difference. I feel free of the insecurities of my host. I am able to be me and not be afraid to accept love. It is nice to feel this way. I also noticed physical changes my body made to adjust to her suggestions. Ashna is a wonderful person. She really cares about her clients. They are looked after and not just controlled. It is a pay site...but where else are you going to find a custom session over Instant Messenger for just $5.00? The rates are very reasonable. Have a wish or fantasy to explore? Want to be in a favorite story as the lead character? Check out Ashna's site and see about making your deepest desires into reality.

http://mistressashna.com/

Lady Alexia

Misstress Ashna's World

Oh my you have got to try this new Yahoo Group! I was thinking, yeah maybe this can work but...its real to me...I think this lady wants to do something special. You have to join Yahoo Groups to get in and things are just beginning, but Ashan is really nice and I think the real deal. http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/mistressashnasworld/?yguid=346845306

My wish for being with Thumper

The morning of mine and Thumper's fully becoming girlfriends, sometimessimone at the Haven placed this in my folder. I was floored. The gal had somehow manifested my day dreams into this story. I wish for this reality with all my heart. I love you Thumper, and thank you Simone for capturing us so well.