I am numb

I really am just writing because I have no one to talk to.  That is part of what my Blog has become I guess.  I am so empty feeling.  I wonder how "the Boy" has anything to give others like he does.  We both share this feeling.  Somehow he still reaches out to others and gives pieces of ourselves to others.  I see it killing us.  He is lucky in many ways.  I seem to get the feelings that are negative.  I know I am talking crazy, but it is my Blog and I can do that.  Maybe I am protecting him....I know he is as lonely as I am, we are the same inside.  He is so scared.  He knows that it will be the end of him if anyone ever knew he was really a girl.  No pitchforks and torches, but the end of a life.  

I know that we are both tired.  We just want to let go and be nothing at times.  It would be so nice to not exist I think.  That little fantasy we have of being from a place devoid of physical being is attractive now.  When you are never touched.  When you feel unloved.  I guess you long for surroundings that equal your place in this life.  Why is it so important to be embraced?  Why is important to have a real kiss? Why do I miss something that has only ever occurred in my imagination?  

I want someone to hold hands with, to snuggle under a blanket with, to feel like someone cares about me.

Alexia

Not Sure Why I am Still Up?

I am awake and tired.  I know if I lie down my mind will race with ideas for stories, imagined conversations with people, and just random things that will keep me from rest.  I am in such a hard place right now.  I am down and sad.  I long to be touched and have day dreams that involve that.  I honestly think not having any intimate contact is killing me inside.  I force myself to be "The Boy" and live.  All the while I just want to surrender and be girl that is loved.

My talk of late must seem whiny.  I guess that is why even those at the Haven never seem to talk when I have tried in the past to chat or email.  They are right I guess to stay away from my moods.  Bren foretold this, she said that if I was away much I would not stay connected.  I use to be invited to be a part of things.  I enjoyed the football pick thing.  S'funny how you can be a part and then not.  I guess if I had something to offer it would be different.  All I ever had was the biggest crush ever on my Star and craziness that became so unhealthy I was like I am tonight, up way too late.  Tonight though I am alone.

Being depressed is the most illogical thing in the world.  All the fears and insecurities just drown you.  I guess I should be happy that it is just sadness.  That is funny happy for sadness.  What I mean is that at least I am not having the thoughts of how to end my life.  No, tonight and right now it is just this empty feeling.  I guess it will be worse as the big day approaches.  the big 40.  I will be a 40 year old virgin.  A childless loser.  Part-time pay in a world where I am expendable.  

I know, I am babbling.  It is what my head is like if I were laying in the bed.  I dream of weird things.  I had a scary dream the other night.  I was trying to keep these children safe from a killer.  We were in a building and he was after us and I had to keep them moving.  I have a bunch of dream like that where lives are in danger.  At least I have not had the one where the Nazi shots me in the head in the apocalyptic world.  That one always wakes me with my heart racing and the feeling I died.  I wonder if the Sleep Apnea Machine helps keep that one at bay?

I should at least try and sleep.  

Alexia

My Mind is Weird

I wish I felt like being sexy right now.  I am in a strange place.  I know I am suffering the effects of depression.  I cannot sleep.  I am grouchy.  I am just divided between wanting to just let go and be me and the reality of the responsibilities the "boy" has to do.  I want to just leave this body and be in one that has curves and can wear bikinis and one where men and women desire me.  Is that too much universe?

I went to bed praying for God to change me.  I know it can happen.  A woman in the US experienced it.  She had a bee sting that somehow restarted the glands that would have made her female when younger.  She is now living as she should have been.  The changes helped her become fully who she was and after the surgeries finished it, well.....I know it is possible.  For my situation that could be the way to have things happen.  I wish I knew how to make that happen.

I have some cap ideas.  One thing though I have been doing is making caps for the Haven Quarterly eZine.  It helps raise money to run the site.  That helps Rachel a great deal and it is a way this broke ass gal can help out.  That means that they are exclusive to the Haven.  Sorry.  Just be patient.  I might get back to sharing my fantasies soon.  Right now I just really want to be taken and used.  Or have My Star hold me again.....but I know that will never happen.

Alexia

Hello Sweeties.

I have been in a weird place mentally.  The boy has been busy and I have just kinda stayed back and really just been an online hermit gal.  I would get on YIM and just feel left behind or alone.  I didn't want to burden the people that care about me and I had no one to just have sex with over chat.  I saw a mention of something I had been a part of some time ago at the Haven and felt a bunch of sadness because I have been left out of being included for a few seasons now.  Just being reminded of that hurt a bit more than I realized.

I carry a great deal of guilt over My Star.  I don't chat much with her.....just enough to see how she is doing.  It hurts, even as I write this it hurts thinking about her and the fact that I can never even have a chance.  I hate having this dam ugly male container.  I know it is selfish to still love her after everything, but my heart hurts just knowing I will never be what she can love back.

In about a month's time I will be a 40 year old virgin.  The silly thing is that I doubt I could have sex as a guy, I don't know.....I mean I have such small equipment and I have accepted so fully my self that I cannot see it.  I desire to lose my virginity as a girl would.  So I am screwed up huhn?  I can't even get laid on YIM.  I am so horny all the time and just would love to be used and to have sex like the slutty gal I am, but I guess being careful limits that score.  I seduced my sweet boy a few weeks back.  I really just pulled out all the stops and it was so wonderful.  I miss My Star though.  I have never been as in sync over chat with anyone else.  She was like a conductor playing us a symphony as be made love.

Sorry about being so whiny.  I just feel bad.  I can't find any energy and when I do have it, the needs of the boy's life must come first.

Alexia

Where I've Been

Reading THE CLAIMING OF SLEEPING BEAUTY, Jilly I am sending to you when done.

Work.

Kidney Stones this week.

Death in the Family.

Just wanted to let you all know I am OK and just dealing with life right now.

I am also working to have a Yard Sale.

Alexia

I Wonder....?

 I wonder what it would feel like to put my lips over a cock and let my tongue explore?  I wonder if he would like how I suck his cock?

 I wonder what it would feel like to make love to a strong black man?

 I wonder if his cock would even fit into my mouth?

 I wonder how it would feel as he split my pussy wide with each thrust of his cock?

I wonder if I will ever find someone to fill my needs like this?  Will I ever be the woman bent over and receiving her Master's love like this?

Alexia

Naked Thoughts

I made it back from my trip.  I have been really aroused since being back.  It is different from horny I think.  My Sweet Boy took really good care of me last night.  I basically seduced him.  *SIGH* He treats me so well.  I miss my Jillisa.  She has been down with her Internet.  That is where she is gals of the Haven.  My Star is in my thoughts as well.  She really needs to pop up on YIM soon.

I have been thinking about the Olympics.  They should be Naked.  I mean that is how they started.  All those clothes are icky when one thinks about it.  Women's Beach Volleyball would be so awesome.  Today that gorgeous Spaniard would have been so sexy scoring and stretching with nothing on but her tight and toned muscles.  Men's Gymnastics would be a hoot.  Cocks swinging everywhere.  It is fun to imagine what the games you are watching would be like in the nude.  Fencing might be a bit dangerous though.

Kisses
Alexia