Down and Out

The last post was very much just the pent up feelings exploding.  I had been feeling left out for some time, even before I became more active in my life off-line.  As people moved on and dynamics changed I just didn't feel a part anymore.  I stayed quiet and just did what I needed to try and become healthy and tried to keep in touch, but somewhere I was left behind I guess.  Whether it was just not having private messages returned or emails, I started feeling like maybe I was not wanted.  I tried to push this out as the depression talking.  It is a symptom I have I guess, my self-esteem is pretty much zero.  The thing is that now I get it.  I am not a part anymore.  I am just someone that is around sometimes.  Someone I guess that is tolerated and that is all.  I know this sounds petty and small, but I can't help it.  This and things in life outside of the cyber-world have just piled on.  So I have to assess where I am and just do what I always do.  Be alone and forever on the outside looking in.

Face The Truth I guess

I had come to a conclusion.  People only care when you are crazy.  Once you start to try and live better and not focus on all the dark thoughts and bad things around you you just are forgotten.  That is the way I feel right now.  I am hurt and I know I really have no right to be.  I have been worrying for a good while now about _______.  I tried being patient and cool about things and not get out of my head about it, although in my heart I knew what was probably happening.  I thought I did something good by just asking someone about it.  No reply.  I finally do something in the hopes of calming my fears and get an answer.  Thing is, it just puts me in a bad frame of mind.  

I now feel guilty about being upset I was left out of the loop, but I still feel hurt.  I just guess I have to accept I might still care, but they have moved on.  With that the group of contacts has as well.  Now it is just another bad set of thoughts in an already full head of bad thoughts.  Guess I really am just a friendless loser who never will amount to anything.

I Wonder About This Sometimes.........

As I near another B-Day I still wonder if I will ever be in a flesh and blood relationship?  Today my confusion crossed my mind again.  I was working in this temp job that calls me in when needed.  You have to get there a bit early so there is time to talk with the people you work with before the job begins.  Today I was chatting and stuff with the new person that started a few months ago.  She was telling me about her weekend and pulling up something on her new phone.  As she stood by me while I was sitting, I suddenly felt the closeness of the space and my mind wandered.  There is not anything really there, this just sort of popped in my head.  I wondered if there was a possibility?  I wondered if she could ever see anything in me?  I am older than her.  She is probably seeing someone i am sure.  She is cute and has geek tendencies.  But as I had these fast thoughts the other question presented itself.  Can I ever be true to someone and not deny my feelings of who I really am inside?  Thoughts of never finding someone was tough enough without this layer added.  I really do not have to worry I guess.  You have to find someone first right?  I am so socially inept that I will never be anything but single.  So I near the next year and I know I will be alone for the rest of my days.  *sigh*

She is a nice gal though.  

Alexia

Fantasy Desire

 

I have been circling around two types of fantasies lately.  I am not sure why I am becoming fixated on these.  I just know I get very wet and my body tingles when I watch videos or imagine these types of acts and my being involved.  One is a desire to be taken by a strong and muscular black man.  I even have his body type imagined.  He is of a deep dark complexion.  Broad shoulders and muscles that are cut and defined.  Bald headed and really no body hair, just smooth and strong.  My white skin is so ghostly when he holds me.  He has a massive cock and I want to just swallow it whole and let him fuck my mouth.  I just feel like he is my world.  I want to please him.  I just get really hot and aroused, like right now just thinking about him.

The other I am a transsexual.  I still have a small penis but I have been castrated.  I am really feminine in appearance and my body has taken to the hormones and surgery well.  I am being used by a couple.  I believe I am there pet.  Each uses me in different ways and I live a life that is cool.  I get to wear all the sexy outfits I daydream about.  It is just a nice life and I am loved.

I am loved in both and life is just about pleasing those I love.  I wish life could be that.  I wish those I love could be cared for by me in that way.  I have a few people in mind that I wish I could be with like that.  I dream of being completely Alexia and standing before them so I can hug them and really let them know I care about them.

Alexia 

Tired

Where to begin?  I am really just trying to endure the changes I am going through.  My medicine and the depressive thoughts I have keep me feeling tired.  I let that hold me back some I guess.  I seem to be on a cycle of ups and downs.  I am at a good place in job setting.  Need more money to live.  I need to be out of the parental home.  Living in one room is killing me.  I need to handle my desires better.  I need to reconnect with the people online I care about.

So many needs.  I am horny all the time.  I wish I could feel something with another soul.  I am so lonely at times it hurts.  I know that if I could just become a woman I would be bisexual.  Not sure what that would mean if I cannot escape the boy bod.  I do know that I could be happy as a transsexual.  I see some of the girls on the Net and they are so pretty.  I am less endowed than they are and I just wonder sometimes if I could become beautiful like them?

So basically I am a slacker right now.  I am just existing.  I hope to be out of this whatever it is and posting.  I have no caption drive at all.  It is just a sluggish feeling.

Alexia

Busy

Just a note to say I am OK, well as Ok as I ever am.

Alexia

Busy

Just a note to say I am OK, well as Ok as I ever am.

Alexia