I guess I need to remind you that is reading that I am only fully me in this world online world. I can't put on a dress and walk outside as me. One is because I am suffering with the birth defect of this boyish body. The other is fear and more fear. So I live as myself in here on chat. I have made some strong connections. One which is different from what I want and whine to you all about it constantly.You have read about my Sweet Boy. He is someone who I trust so very much. He has been the one male I have opened myself up and experienced in this constructed world what I can't in reality. What hurts is when he is hurting. I can't reach out and hold him. It is something I have dealt with before. I have some others that I sit here and feel so useless when it comes to being there for them. Today I was just cuddling with him. I knew he was not feeling good about himself. I tried to caress and comfort him. I don't think I got through.
He is someone I really would spend the rest of my life with were I the person I should be. I tried to show him how much he means. The trouble is words feel like they fail. I climbed on him and slowly made love with him. It was so gentle and full of love. It is all I know to do. I am a damaged person. Socially I am so dumb. I wish I could take him in my arms and have him really feel how much I love him and how wonderful he is to not just me, but all who have contact with him.
My heart hurts for those I care about. The fact that they are in cyberspace does not diminish the pain. It is when I really wish I had the magical abilities I make up sometimes. I would be doing so many things for so many people. I would love that job. Being someone who helps others become what they need to be.
*sigh*
Alexia
3 comments:
I totally understand what you mean hun. cyberspace is a safehaven for myself as well I couldnt go out into public either as the girl i want to be. but on here i can be who I know i am deep down inside
*BIG HUGS*
I've become a recent follower of yours and I feel like you express things I wish I could express. You're stronger than you think.
Thank you both. It is hard living one way in real life, but yearning to be someone else. I have trouble walking through Target. I see things that would never fit the rl me, but the me I wish I were, oh it so would look good on me. I struggle about and try and stay sane. It is hard, but I have found when things get truly dark, God makes sure a light shines through.
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