I have known for a few weeks that the old feelings that cause some of my feelings of worthlessness have been back. I sense the darkness and the sadness at the edges. My work situation is healthy, but not financially strong. It forces me to live with the parent that is still living. That has been hard recently. We clash. Even now we have not spoken to each other for two days. Well unless two words relaying a phone message counts. This makes it worse, the depression.Of course the off handed remarks that probably are not as bad as they sound to me do not help. They tend to reinforce the bad I feel about myself. Its no wonder the only person I have ever seemed to feel love for could not love me back. She cares, but, I see how I am not good for her. I read some old messages from her though. I felt loved. It hurts knowing I will never really have that physically with another person. I have tried to just substitute online love, but it is not her.
Maybe I am just too sick on cold medicine to deal with these feelings. I just don't want to die alone and unloved. Little by little and year by year I feel the hope that I will be loved lessen and diminish. It is hard to keep that spark of hope burning.
Alexia Rose
1 comment:
I'm still fight depression too, but at least I've got perscription medication to help me. I wish I could do more for you than just empathize.
I know this will probably sound empty, but you have to believe you will find love again. It won't be the same as with "Her" but it will be love, different in some ways, the same in other ways. Unless you are the world's best actress, you seem like a genuine great person and a real catch for the right person.
[BIG HUG]
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