Thoughts

I feel so bad at times because I am not able to make caps and post as much as I want to do. I also am not on YIM at all anymore. The reason is that I know I will end up connecting and then having to say good-bye as soon as I speak to people. I guess I am trying to choose the best way to be guilty. I am almost like a ghost I guess.

When I first became a part of the Rachel's Haven community I was a real mess. I didn't realize it at the time. I was in a horrible job environment. I was severely depressed. I really was not in the best place mentally. I am better in so many ways now. I am at least happy in my job now. I could use a better paycheck, but hopefully that will come as the place grows. I am handling my depression. The thing is that as real life has become better and busy, cyber life has been limited.

I am still the horny girl wannabe I always have been. I have been daydreaming about bikini bottoms of late. I also am becoming more at ease with the fact I am at a place where I must just live in this deformed boy body. My female instincts still manage to make me good at my job, which is an irony I can't share.

My hard drive is filled with cool pictures that need captioning, but I have been doing real life work and messing with plants and the dogs. I do pray and keep Jillisa and others in my thoughts. I am still hopelessly in love with My Star. I look around and there is just no possible romantic interest in real life. I also am wondering just how I am wired for that world anymore as I realize my sexuality is different from the normally accepted standard of my small rural community.

Know that I am doing OK and still working out so many things. I do hope to make some caps soon, but I have a heavy work schedule for the next few weeks.

Love,
Alexia Rose

HOME ALONE

I just received this awesome caption from Emma in my folder at Rachel's Haven. I love Emma's caps, I hope you do as well.

Alexia

MAU ON THE ISLAND

My Sweet Jillisa made these caps panels for me a long time ago. She has a way of making one really feel their dreams come to life. Being on an island with her would be a nice life. I so wish I could have more time to be with friends like her online. I Love You Sweetie. *kiss* (I know she stops by from time to time.) More of her work is over at Rachel's Haven.

Is Confession Good for the soul?

I know that when I go off into pondering and thinking about who I am it is not as sexy as when I let all this pent up energy loose in the Blog. The thing is I have a hard time anymore just putting the inner feelings out there. OMG, the other day when I was with my best friend I just wanted to tell him about feeling like I was the wrong gender. I didn't, but part of me wished I could and that he would be OK with it so I could just talk to someone face to face about these things in my head. I know, there are therapists, but it just would be nice to be able to be me fully in real life.

I have been upset at times by those online that feel a need to examine me through their needs. I know that I really do feel like I am a girl. Things growing up make sense as I accept these feelings. It is just sometimes hard not to read stuff and get too much info that sends me wondering. I am glad for this Blog, Crossdreamers, but at the same time it makes me confront things as well. I have come to accept that I am very repressed sexually as the boy. I tend to be highly sexual as a girl. I often wonder if it is some kind of balance my mind tries to make or if I am just slutty?

Recently I have wondered about the arousal aspect of my feelings. I do get aroused thinking about being a girl. I do not believe I am just emoting that aspect though. I do not get hard or erect, in fact erections are very rare, even in the mornings. I do have feelings of intense, something. They are hard to describe. I am definitely Bi as a female. More and more I realize this fact.

What I am having trouble with is reconciling decades of puritanical stuff that has been attached to my spirituality. I am in the religion business. I have to keep searching for balance to that part of me. I am working on this part. It is hard to sift through stuff that is laced with centuries of prejudice toward those that are different. I however am finding interesting points of light in scripture. Taken with history it is funny that the official record of someone being lead to Christ and baptized was a eunuch, who it seems was probably considered genderless. That has to carry implications. Add the part where most are against Homosexuals in the Bible, the part where the mob wants to have the men sent to them and it is decreed wrong, yet right after a wife and daughters are offered up as sexual sacrifices to the mob. There are things worth deeper study and it helps to bring me balance.

Sorry about the religious talk, I am not pushing stuff on you. I just have to acknowledge the complete part of me. My female side is the part I have realized much of my work relies upon. Still, society and the religious culture has said I am not to be a sexual creature as well. To be a Non Op Transgendered person makes me a deviant in that world. Yet, I am not, I am just me.

Too late and too much to ponder. I know I have made no sense whatsoever. Better get to bed.

Alexia

CHEERS FOR ALEXIA

It has been a busy and fairly good week. Thought I would share this old caption from Bren with you. I still get very emotional when I read these. She is a special person that always made me the bestest caps.

Alexia

MUSTANG SALLY

Can you believe it? I at last made a new caption. This was a long overdue return for coomanfu over at Rachel's Haven. I loved this picture and just had to cap it.

Toodles,
Alexia

TAPS

Since I am so slow about new caps I had an epiphany and a placing some of the awesome captions given to me in the Trade area of Rachel's Haven. This is one of the very first and it is by one of the best captioners out there on the Interwebs. Argus (who is Amy) made this and some more for me. She is one of our most awarded Contest Captioners. I hope you enjoy TAPS and maybe I will have some new caps soon.

Alexia