Is Confession Good for the soul?

I know that when I go off into pondering and thinking about who I am it is not as sexy as when I let all this pent up energy loose in the Blog. The thing is I have a hard time anymore just putting the inner feelings out there. OMG, the other day when I was with my best friend I just wanted to tell him about feeling like I was the wrong gender. I didn't, but part of me wished I could and that he would be OK with it so I could just talk to someone face to face about these things in my head. I know, there are therapists, but it just would be nice to be able to be me fully in real life.

I have been upset at times by those online that feel a need to examine me through their needs. I know that I really do feel like I am a girl. Things growing up make sense as I accept these feelings. It is just sometimes hard not to read stuff and get too much info that sends me wondering. I am glad for this Blog, Crossdreamers, but at the same time it makes me confront things as well. I have come to accept that I am very repressed sexually as the boy. I tend to be highly sexual as a girl. I often wonder if it is some kind of balance my mind tries to make or if I am just slutty?

Recently I have wondered about the arousal aspect of my feelings. I do get aroused thinking about being a girl. I do not believe I am just emoting that aspect though. I do not get hard or erect, in fact erections are very rare, even in the mornings. I do have feelings of intense, something. They are hard to describe. I am definitely Bi as a female. More and more I realize this fact.

What I am having trouble with is reconciling decades of puritanical stuff that has been attached to my spirituality. I am in the religion business. I have to keep searching for balance to that part of me. I am working on this part. It is hard to sift through stuff that is laced with centuries of prejudice toward those that are different. I however am finding interesting points of light in scripture. Taken with history it is funny that the official record of someone being lead to Christ and baptized was a eunuch, who it seems was probably considered genderless. That has to carry implications. Add the part where most are against Homosexuals in the Bible, the part where the mob wants to have the men sent to them and it is decreed wrong, yet right after a wife and daughters are offered up as sexual sacrifices to the mob. There are things worth deeper study and it helps to bring me balance.

Sorry about the religious talk, I am not pushing stuff on you. I just have to acknowledge the complete part of me. My female side is the part I have realized much of my work relies upon. Still, society and the religious culture has said I am not to be a sexual creature as well. To be a Non Op Transgendered person makes me a deviant in that world. Yet, I am not, I am just me.

Too late and too much to ponder. I know I have made no sense whatsoever. Better get to bed.

Alexia