The hardest part of living in Cyberspace

I guess I need to remind you that is reading that I am only fully me in this world online world. I can't put on a dress and walk outside as me. One is because I am suffering with the birth defect of this boyish body. The other is fear and more fear. So I live as myself in here on chat. I have made some strong connections. One which is different from what I want and whine to you all about it constantly.

You have read about my Sweet Boy. He is someone who I trust so very much. He has been the one male I have opened myself up and experienced in this constructed world what I can't in reality. What hurts is when he is hurting. I can't reach out and hold him. It is something I have dealt with before. I have some others that I sit here and feel so useless when it comes to being there for them. Today I was just cuddling with him. I knew he was not feeling good about himself. I tried to caress and comfort him. I don't think I got through.

He is someone I really would spend the rest of my life with were I the person I should be. I tried to show him how much he means. The trouble is words feel like they fail. I climbed on him and slowly made love with him. It was so gentle and full of love. It is all I know to do. I am a damaged person. Socially I am so dumb. I wish I could take him in my arms and have him really feel how much I love him and how wonderful he is to not just me, but all who have contact with him.

My heart hurts for those I care about. The fact that they are in cyberspace does not diminish the pain. It is when I really wish I had the magical abilities I make up sometimes. I would be doing so many things for so many people. I would love that job. Being someone who helps others become what they need to be.

*sigh*

Alexia

I have known for a few weeks that the old feelings that cause some of my feelings of worthlessness have been back. I sense the darkness and the sadness at the edges. My work situation is healthy, but not financially strong. It forces me to live with the parent that is still living. That has been hard recently. We clash. Even now we have not spoken to each other for two days. Well unless two words relaying a phone message counts. This makes it worse, the depression.

Of course the off handed remarks that probably are not as bad as they sound to me do not help. They tend to reinforce the bad I feel about myself. Its no wonder the only person I have ever seemed to feel love for could not love me back. She cares, but, I see how I am not good for her. I read some old messages from her though. I felt loved. It hurts knowing I will never really have that physically with another person. I have tried to just substitute online love, but it is not her.

Maybe I am just too sick on cold medicine to deal with these feelings. I just don't want to die alone and unloved. Little by little and year by year I feel the hope that I will be loved lessen and diminish. It is hard to keep that spark of hope burning.

Alexia Rose

I HATE colds!

My nose is running, my eyes hurt, my throat hurts. I am sneezing and just plain yucky. I went all summer without having a stupid cool, but sure enough the Fall of the year gets me. I am irritable and just feel so terrible. My body aches and I really wish I felt better. Drinking juice and ginger ale mixed. I hope to be back in Blogging form soon. I still wish some of you would scroll down and then comment on the request for help with the Halloween Caption Contest.

Alexia

HIS PET

I still need help with the cap contest idea. While I wait and see if anyone can help me I will give you this story. I saw these pics and knew it would be of me and my Sweet Boy. I would be his Pet and he would keep me and love me. I would love this life. I hope you enjoy this bit of my fondest wishes.

Alexia

I Need Suggestions!

The October Haven Caption Contest has begun and I need help. I have some pics and I have a foundation for a story, I just need a plot device as to why the guy is put through this, standard revenge is too easy, I want it lighter than dark, but sexy.

So the basic idea is that the song OBSESSION is used to do what the question in the song asks, "Who do you want me to be to make me sleep with you?" So why does it happen to the guy? Evil trickster god-ling? Enemy? Curse? So put those perverse thinking caps on and help a sister out.

I will use your name in the caption to whoever sparks my story thoughts.

Alexia

Does Hypnosis work?

The answer is yes and no. It is my belief that hypnosis works on the acceptance of belief and the ability to actually relax a person. Still, I feel a measure of control can be asserted. I do hope one day to maybe have a one on one encounter to see what happens when I can be taken under without reading and another person is there to see how I respond. I started out being tranced over chat. It was something that relies a bit of staying aware so you can read and respond. Still I fall asleep sometimes on my friend who is the best at it. Although Sweet Boy accidentally hypnotized me. He really doesn't know this, but I was doing what he said here in real life. It was interesting and scary.

I have been using some MP3 files on my iPod. They can relax me. I can sometimes remember if I fall asleep what they say. The other night I had just started the files and was systematically being taken under and out in a sleep like state. I suddenly was aware of the Female Orgasm file. I was able to feel my vagina form. I could feel the lips. It was awesome

What was so good feeling was when the voice told me to caress my nipples and then take a large dildo and begin fucking myself with it. I was in a sexual haze rolling my hips. I squeezed my nipples and just came and came. I guess the dildo had been my right hand because it was jammed in the hole that my male genitalia is now. It is cool that I do not have any erections and my body has the feeling of rubbing a clit inside my pussy. Having an orgasm like that is wonderful.

The files are affecting me. In the shower I suddenly noticed I was standing with my hip cocked out to the side and my legs in a very female stance. I can feel some sensations when I rub my breast in the shower. I have to guard more in public not to do the mannerisms I am coming to find as very Alexia.

I am toying more and more with the idea of trying hormones. It scares me and it is not fully possible in terms of money yet, but I want the changes it allows. I see some of the T Girls online and wish I could pass. I am jealous that they can fit into pretty clothes and I just want to be more and more Alexia. Living in my geographical area and working in the profession I have is not favorable to being a T Girl. I need to find someone that is Trans themselves or Trans friendly to be with and maybe I can live a bit more free.

OK, rambled enough.
Ta Ta Darlings!
Alexia

Beladona's Gift

I wonder sometimes if anyone realizes I am really vulnerable on here because I am not just fantasizing, but I really do want to be completely a redheaded woman. I always hope that those brave women that have transitioned don't feel I am making light of them. I just really express the thoughts and feelings I have and am forced to keep locked away because of the area I live in and the cost it would do to my job.

Then someone like Beladona come along and give me comments of a precious gift. She has made a story that I would be so proud to live out. In fact the only thing missing is my getting to wear a collar, but I am sure that came on the wedding night. *grins*

Go to the page on her BLOG and watch and read the life I could have if the world were what I want it to be. She did an excellent job and I really will have to find a way to thank her properly. I am still really emotional over this and need to collect myself.

Thank you so much Bela.

Alexia