Turning Back Time

You have become accustomed to my wishing to be the older and very sexy red head modeled after the awesome Justine Joli here on my Blog. There is another image I dream of and even in my mind revert to sometimes. She is 18 and very cute. I happen to find her online and will probably be using her image some as well. I have a wish to be able to somehow relive my life as a girl. I really wish I could see how things would be different for me as a girl and not the icky boy I must be for the world on the outside.

Would I be more extroverted? Would I be straight, lesbian, or bi? I have decided that somewhere along the way I would have dance in my life and more than likely try stripping. I don't know why, but being a stripper just seems something I would try doing and see if I could mix a love of dance with the definite need to be naked as much as possible. I know for sure I would be naked a great deal, but also wear many just soft and comfy things as well.

I want to explore in my imagination some this idea of reliving a live already lived. I wonder if I can recreate the moments of my life in such a way that I could have different choices and see where life might take me. Where do I start? Shall I create my life from whole cloth? Maybe just a reset at the age of 18? I would still have almost a year of high school to play with and see where life would lead. I think maybe I need to do this and hopefully exert some pushing of myself to see life is not so static and then but open to changing things in the future.

OK, I need to decide what I am going to do today. Taa Taa for now darlings!

Lady Alexia

Life is in Neutral

I have been in a great deal of depression recently. Yesterday was particularly bad. I really stayed in the bed most of the day or in the recliner and felt numb. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. It has not been a good 48 hour period. I am taking the medicine and I am trying to be better, but I get so bad sometimes. I just start having thoughts that are not good. I don't want to scare you by saying what. I did have a poem forming in my head. Maybe some of what it would have been about will give you an idea of how I was feeling.

It brought up the questions of how Death might just be a lover's embrace. That it would be cold instead of warm, but that was how I felt. The idea of the warmth leaving my body as my lover Death held me as I fell asleep was dominate in my thoughts. I get scared as I have these thoughts. I know that people can't understand who are around me. They really do not get it. Worst thing was I isolated my self almost completely for the first time in months from my friends online. I didn't want to burden them anymore with my worthlessness. I just sat or lay and stared into space and thought about how nice it would be to sleep forever and just fade away. It has been a hard few days. I hope I am seeing some light again.

I fought to leave the house today. I went and got an application for a temporary job of sorts. I came home and took a puppy we have out and put her on the leash for the first time ever. I am teaching her the name I am calling her. I hope it sticks. She is so cute. She has spunk I wish I had. I love being around people and things that love without condition. I miss that part of the job I left. There were kids I was close to and when I was down it was hard to feel bad when they would come and smile at me.

I am fighting, but it has been hard the past few days.

Alexia

Recommended Reading

I read this book and really just fell in love with the character of Ivy Cole. She is a Werewolf of a different stripe and is very interesting. There is the intrigue of a murder mystery in this novel. It has a beast on the loose that must be found. Supporting characters have issues and lives beyond their supporting roles. Romance abounds as it progresses along the path of horror and justice.

There is a sequel that I hope to get as well. The awesome thing about this novel was the price I paid. It was $1. It is worth much more.


Lady Alexia

I Won I Won!

This caption won the Best Costume category for October 2008 at Rachel's Haven. It came in as part of a 4 way tie for Best Caption. I am proud and glad and thought, I can brag here. It feels good that people liked it enough that it could win. Anyway, I just wanted to celebrate something good. Too much bad stuff right now, I need to hold on to good things.

Alexia

Accepting Singleness

Being who I am I had problems lurking inside. I may try and speak on the issues sometime when I am farther away from it in the healing process. The worst outcome is that I have lost Thumper as my girlfriend. We are still friends and I will always love her, but we are no longer connected I we once were. She truly was the first person I have ever loved. I can also say I do not know if I would be writing or even breathing if she had not come into my life. I am glad I am too big a coward to ever give in to darker thoughts I have. The thing that would have gotten me would have been the stress mentally and the resulting bodily damage. She kept me focused and brought me to calmer places so many times early on and I know she saved me from the darkness.


Now I am back to a lonely path in terms of love. I miss Thumper's little messages of love during the day. I think it underscored the fact that I lack affection and loving touch in my life trapped in The Boy's shell. Finding a woman that will be able to share this burden is not possible probably. I really am a lonely soul and that hurts so much. I will try and heal and become the person I am to be and lean on friends that have been better to me than I deserve. Life is just darker without Thumper in it.


Lady Alexia Rose

Changes

I did this for a Yahoo Group I belong to and thought the picture was just extremely awesome. I have some feelings to share on Panties real soon. I have been having a very hard time lately. I do want to be updating my Blog here so I will share captions as I need to and maybe some poems that are rattling in my head soon as well. I hope you enjoy this caption.


Lady Alexia

An Alexia Statue

My friend Steffie gave me this wonderful caption over at Rachel's Haven. I really love the story and the feelings it brings to me. I also thought this work of art should be shared with people that might read this Blog. I hope you find it as wonderful as I did.


Lady Alexia Rose