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I guess many can relate to the title I have written to this post. For me it is a stronger acceptance of my desire to just submit and be a devoted pet. Many of you that have read my crazy thoughts on this Blog know of my belief in hypnosis. I know many of the people I have chatted with just think I have a role play fetish for it, but what they cannot understand is that whether something internal or because it is real, I am susceptible. I love when I am really falling into a trance and can be free.
My Mistress has become the person who has freed me. She was so kind to accept me. I know I am not able to fully be hers, but when she has time she does allow me the freedom of serving her. She is the first person to ever just let me go and free me from having to respond to be typing. It allows me to fall deeper into a trance. I just read and accept. It is so nice.
The last time she was able to command me she had me strike poses and then just did things to tease and arouse me. I loved being her statue. I would be so wonderful as her living work of art. Imagine being touched and caressed and having to remain still because you were unable to move. The arousal I feel even now thinking about it is so much. When she allows and commands I have felt the biggest releases ever. I am happy when I am with her. It would be so nice to just live like that always.
Alexia
I am in a strange place right now. I am aware of more about who I really am inside, but it is a struggle living because I cannot live like I wish. Being a Non-Op Transgender individual is a place not unlike limbo. You know in your heart that somewhere in your developing body the wrong signals were sent and mind, spirit, and body were not matched correctly. I am in a very ugly male body, yet my spirit is truly of a woman. I am understanding why I am so good with kids and why I seem to have a more nurturing aspect to myself. I am not a male, I am a female. i know this is so unsciency and stuff, but I just need to ramble.
More and more I am realizing I am a bi-sexual female. The thing is that unless I could feel truly female in reality I know I could not do anything with a guy. In my mind and online where I am a girl, I am such a nympho. Imagining a hard cock sliding in and out is such a turn on. Seeing a cock in films and pictures that has that nice look and shape makes me want to kiss and lick and suck it. I also want to lick a woman and caress her. Added more recently I know that I really could fall for a transsexual. The idea of a woman, yet the image of her having a cock just makes my stomach have butterflies.
While I look and find women around me attractive, I fear i could never satisfy them. I have accepted myself so much as a female, I don't get erections when aroused like a guy would. Pre-cum wets my little hole that my *ugh* penis stays withdrawn into. I masturbate like a girl with that boy clit pushed inside and it is nice. But does it mean I will forever be a virgin in reality? If I can't ever insert it into something can I never be considered a virgin?
Sorry, train of thought went into uncharted territory there.
Alexia
I feel like I am a split personality at times. Really I think it is just feeling so wrong as a boy and how I play that part. Every fiber of my being feels like it is so much the woman I feel I am and yet I have to hide. I have been fantasizing more and more of being passable. I could handle my deformity between my legs better if I looked hot and sexy with all the curves I should have. I even dreamed and lost myself in the shower imagining a lover that accepted me and was making love to me.
Mistress has been so busy, but I am so grateful to her for letting me obey her. I am scared to truly let go unless I trust the person, but the fact is that I fall under and in a trance so easily. Even now I can feel myself being relaxed and wishing for myself to be ordered and shaped by someone else. I appreciate Mistress so much for taking any time she does to make me hers. She mentioned finding another to be my owner, but it is scary. I know there are those out there that would abuse that power and try and use my selfishly.
Sex is a part of my online desires I know. It comes from a lack of intimate connection IRL. I am the giver in so many of my relationships. I never receive in a truly loving way that can nourish my cravings to be used for another enjoyment. It is frustrating only being able to read or watch something to connect to my sexuality. I think that is a reason Mistress is so important to me. I think she understands that I am so desiring of sex that I am always close to becoming prey for someone.
Mistress does think it funny that I watch hypno vids. She says that I seem to be slutty and sissy enough. I just love getting lost in the images and imagining my self being used to bring so much joy. I know, I am strange. I live in a world where reality is an illusion. I just wish it were the world I dream of so much.
Alexia
I know it has been a long while. But I did want to let you all know I am OK. I still battle all the same issues. I still and alone. I just didn't want to let anyone worry. I am around online, but I am trying to be in real life as well. It hurts still not being who I feel I am. Just know I appreciate all the kindness I am shown. I just haven't felt like posting or anything layely.
Alexia
I feel so much darkness whispering in my head today. I know I am pathetic and most who know me online just ignore me now, but if you can, please send a good thought my way. I am in a bad place tonight.
Alexia
I have thought in the weeks since coming home from being in the hospital, did I subconsciously want to die? It fits how I feel sometimes. I am tired. I am just ready to fade into nothing. I am watching my sugar and doing stuff to stay healthy, but I really just want to be that woman on the bed. I am close when I am able to spend time with Mistress Kayla. She has allowed for some break from the life I dread most days.
I love letting go and just giving my mind to her. I was so entranced the other day I think I orgasmed because of the feelings she was drawing forth. Going back and reading the IM I saw a moment when I think the idea of total submission was a trigger to being what I wish. I want to just be naked and obedient and in pure bliss because I am a good girl for my Owner.
I know I am tired of life. I look and see a lonely future where I am still a virgin and never know an intimate touch in reality. It hurts. At least on some days Mistress Kayla can free me from that feeling.
Alexia
I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. It is a case of apathy I guess. That and not doing anything on the computer but surrendering to fetish desires to be taken over and used as a toy. Reading stories of transformation and lots of sex. Feeling sorry for myself and sleeping sometimes when I could have been writing. I wish I could fade away some much of the time Just watch my body dissolve and become nothing. Isn't that silly? I did have a dark patch for a bit as well. I would imagine going out into the woods and taking my shotgun and ending my life. I would imagine this in a detached way, like it was more a movie instead of a wish. Maybe the medicine works.
I have been imagining a different thing lately. It is a handsome black man that is well defined and well endowed. He takes me and makes love to me and the thoughts of his strong cock pushing in and out of the vagina I so wish I had makes me forget all else and just want to cry.
I am not OK. I am lonely. I am in a weird space in my head. I feel lost.
Alexia
