The diabetes is taking a toll. I have little in terms of resources and even though the clock reset, money is going to run out. I work to change eating habits. It is hard when the very foods that give comfort are also what will help to slowly kill me. I get depressed and my bad outcome has always been food, so I get a double whammy of hard dealings with the diabetes. Add that I am still working to lose weight, eliminate sleep apnea and fight depression and I just want to give up.
Living with Dad is hard. Stress and fighting over stupid things because he is stubborn and I am like him, plus irritable from the take your pick list of problems I have. I want to give up so bad. I just get so hurt inside. I have figured it out, that is the scary part. If I ever do give up, I know how to do it.
My mind is at war with itself. All my intellect and the things that make me who I am are in constant battle with the dark things in my head; doubt, fear, paranoia, hatred of myself. That voice that tells me how dumb and stupid I am. It tells me I will die alone and unloved. It makes me want to just sleep.
I have been just out of it. I owe Sci-Fi Kara an apology. I offered to read and proof stuff for her and I let her down. I volunteered to do the Christmas Day caption for Terri's 25 Caps of Christmas, and because this horrid wave of sadness hit me, I almost didn't get it written. Worst is missing Alectra's birthday at the Haven. One thing I have tried to do was make Birthday Caps for people, and I missed hers. I hate missing that and feel terrible. So many of the people I have met through the Haven are battling terrible illness and struggling with these big problems, and I can't even do anything for them. I just feel like a failure.
All I am good for is moaning on here. I am finding it really hard to love others when I can't love myself. That is affecting work. My compassion is still there, but the effort to help and guide people leaves me so drained at the end of the day. I ache in loneliness.
I look at my Blog and I wonder why anyone even reads it because of how I am lately?
Alexia
8 comments:
Alexia,
I don't want o make light of your situation... You obviously have real problems and huge stress...
The TG community tends to be VERY forgiving and understanding... Many of have and continue to battle depression, over our gender identity, over our "situation", and over many other issue like yourself totally unrelated to TG..
Nobody that I know of is angry with you... Teri found plenty of people to "fill in".. While Kyra probably felt let down, I'm sure she found someone else to help... There are many more than willing to help somebody proof :)
You take care of YOU.. we'll still be here for you when you need us, and when you're ready :)
/hugs
Alexia,
First of all, don't worry about not making me a gift for my birthday... just hearing you thought of it, makes me happy! (Worst was for me losing internet last year for quite some months and losing your birthday soooooo... :( ) ^-^
I'm sure, there is no real solution in words for you, as time is of the essence right now with this ever depressing economy and politicians getting banned right of some important meetings with the evil bankers and the "nutshells" markets...
This is going like a terrible nightmare and for that I try to stand my way and say I don't like this, like many people out there with the same tone, at the same time, at unison and with the same hatred for those that put us in this very situation!
Right now as I'm doing Political Sciences, it doesn't help either for me to learn firsthand the problems of the world... and know the solution, but also know that politicians are either rigged or tied up from the situation.
From now on I should advise you that even, if your family is going through a bad situation and you too... you should cling onto them, like as they would be the only thing in the world left.
I had some discussions with my father too, about jobs or the lack of it, studies, running out of money at some situations... losing my house! yep I had some terrible moments and even quite lost hope at some points, I've been at the verge of living in the street like some kind of dog :( but nevertheless, I got the luck to be supported by my family and we didn't have to get to that situation, but almost... I know that this sounds like some kind of lets get all depressed, but my intention is to make you look on the bright side of things...
You are alive, you don't know yet what may happen tomorrow or the next month, lets keep up the hope and not let your bad mood put a sad mood in your life!
I've seen you full of happiness at some other times, remember that whenever feeling bad, know that there are people out there that care about you and most importantly I didn't just come here because I felt you are feeling terrible right now, I came here because you are my friend, a special one!
Hugs and Kisses Alectra
Oh sweet, sweet Alexia,
I wish I were there to hug you and hold your hand to let you know that everything will be alright. You are such a pure and honest soul. I'm am here for you always. Remember, there are two people in Pennsylvania who love you dearly.
Kisses,
Steffie
Alexia,
Please please PLEASE don't do anything rash. You are loved and cared for. You have friends looking out for you. You have friends who care about you. I was contacted by one them this morning very concerned about your well being to make sure that I looked in and said Hello. I know that things are tough. I know that you are struggling. I know that you the tunnel seems very dark and very long and the light is so far away. However you never know when a kindly soul will come up behind you to take your hand and convince you to run or skip your way closer to the light. It can happen, it will happen.
I think that 2011 has been one of the shittiest ever. Just in my tiny office of 6 people every single one of us has had life altering events thrust upon us. There was a death of a beloved pet, two divorces (including mine), a death in the family, a cancer diagnosis, and several major surgeries. That doesn't even include the divisive political situation and the terrible economic outlook. For the whole year I kept telling myself that it couldn't get worse, but somehow it always did.
Then all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, something wonderful happened. As I was preparing myself for spending the rest of my life all alone, I was contacted by someone from my past that I really liked. We talked, emailed, texted and wrote actual letters to each other constantly. And now a few months later, we are there for each other, protecting each other and in love. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad for yourself or to make you feel good for me, I'm telling you this so that you can realize that good things can happen even when everything seems lost.
You are loved sweetie by me and many many others. You are a wonderful person who has made me smile more times than I can count. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and return one of those smiles for you. I just know that 2012 is going to be a much better year for you.
Big hugs and warm thoughts,
Petra
big hug honey, I never know your pain as you do, but we all have our inner battles, and we must try to be stong all the time, I hope you are ok, and hope you have a great coming year xx
This is the first time reading your blog, and I find you in such distress....I too just wish I could give you a hug and some encouragement.
I know little of diabetes, but do know the feeling of loneliness and despair over financial matters.
Please don't give up.
The economy will improve, my employer is hiring 26 this month. When I feel alone in a room full of people, I look for another room.
Small steps forward...
Add me to the number of people in Pennsylvania who care...now there are 3.
jude
I know life can get you down sometimes………most times; I sincerely understand they type of pain, fear and hopelessness you’re going through. Those feelings course through your veins like a poison, consuming you until it’s not you anymore. Please don’t lose hope, I know from experience things do get better and the change can be as quick and unpredictable as the weather.
When my relatives started passing, I got depressed, then my depression turned into an obsession, I was obsessed with my fear of dying. I was tormented with the thought, I’m sure you’ll relate to the feeling and the struggle, it’s not a daily struggle, it’s hourly, minutely; That’s why my heart reaches out for you soooo much, I can still conjure up those thoughts, ones you don’t want to think about, ones that force their way into your head, for me it was what would my last moments would be like, then the idea of nothing. It was too much for to take; they stopped me from doing anything.
Then I stumbled upon the idea of a technological Singularity. Ray Kurzweil talks about it a lot; how near 2045 we should be so technologically advanced we can live forever. I know it’s a silly far off bet that this will happen and I’m a fool to believe in such a thing, but, not being religious it was at least something to hope for and that’s all I needed. The next my depression subsided; the morbid inevitability of my fate was replaced with optimism and it literally happened overnight.
There’s a quote from flight of the phoenix “I think a man only needs one thing in life. He just needs someone to love. If you can't give him that, then give him something to hope for. And if you can't give him that, just give him something to do.” I know you’ll find your singularity; it’s out there just waiting to be discovered. Maybe it will be a person, God, a great job; it could be all of them or something even better! Then your whole perspective’s going to change, pushing those bad thoughts and feelings far far far to the back of your mind. Until then do something you enjoy, that gives you energy! If captions feel more like an obligation than fun now take a break, switch it up! I’ll miss them but I would understand, I just hope you endure until the storm passes and the sun starts shining again!
<3
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