I am still here

I know it has been a long while.  But I did want to let you all know I am OK.  I still battle all the same issues.  I still and alone.  I just didn't want to let anyone worry.  I am around online, but I am trying to be in real life as well.  It hurts still not being who I feel I am.  Just know I appreciate all the kindness I am shown.  I just haven't felt like posting or anything layely.  

Alexia

Darkness

I feel so much darkness whispering in my head today.  I know I am pathetic and most who know me online just ignore me now, but if you can, please send a good thought my way.  I am in a bad place tonight.

Alexia

Tired

I have thought in the weeks since coming home from being in the hospital, did I subconsciously want to die?  It fits how I feel sometimes.  I am tired.  I am just ready to fade into nothing.  I am watching my sugar and doing stuff to stay healthy, but I really just want to be that woman on the bed.  I am close when I am able to spend time with Mistress Kayla.  She has allowed for some break from the life I dread most days.

I love letting go and just giving my mind to her.  I was so entranced the other day I think I orgasmed because of the feelings she was drawing forth.  Going back and reading the IM I saw a moment when I think the idea of total submission was a trigger to being what I wish.  I want to just be naked and obedient and in pure bliss because I am a good girl for my Owner.

I know I am tired of life.  I look and see a lonely future where I am still a virgin and never know an intimate touch in reality.  It hurts.  At least on some days Mistress Kayla can free me from that feeling.

Alexia

Life in a Haze

I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything.  It is a case of apathy I guess.  That and not doing anything on the computer but surrendering to fetish desires to be taken over and used as a toy.  Reading stories of transformation and lots of sex.  Feeling sorry for myself and sleeping sometimes when I could have been writing.  I wish I could fade away some much of the time  Just watch my body dissolve and become nothing.  Isn't that silly?  I did have a dark patch for a bit as well.  I would imagine going out into the woods and taking my shotgun and ending my life.  I would imagine this in a detached way, like it was more a movie instead of a wish.  Maybe the medicine works.

I have been imagining a different thing lately.  It is a handsome black man that is well defined and well endowed.  He takes me and makes love to me and the thoughts of his strong cock pushing in and out of the vagina I so wish I had makes me forget all else and just want to cry.

I am not OK.  I am lonely.  I am in a weird space in my head.  I feel lost.

Alexia

Life is just Blah.

Health issues all week.

Pain all week.

Just found out a job opportunity is now closed.

Life sucks.

Alexia

Numb

Today started with such promise.  I had the usual health pains and stuff, but I was functional.  All it took was being berated by the parental unit to spin into a state of high anxiety.  I was whirling and just spiraling.  My hands were shaking and I took a nerve pill.  I then just turned the lights out and placed the sleep apnea mask on and tried to go away.

I was mad.  I was depressed.  I was almost crying but that is painful in a mask.  I began fighting with myself in my head.  Then I just gave up and accepted that I am nothing and that is what I should be.  Some thoughts of just taking every pill I have and all the pills in the house floated through my head.  Then I figured I would screw that up and soon I was gone.  I know I dreamed, but I think they were disturbing.  I came to about two hours later.  I was in need of the bathroom and some water.  So I hydrated and just drifted back into the darkness.  This was my day and part of the night.

I just felt numb and still feel numb.  I would be better to all if I could just live in the world of my dreams.  I think about that a bunch.  I imagine my hand dissolving and the rest of my body following.  Just to cease to be at all.  I tried going to a place Mistress Kayla placed in my mind, but a storm was raging there.  I hate myself.  I hate myself so much.

Alexia

Tractor

Something strange happening down on the farm.