If only Insulin would magically transition me.......

I have been in a weird head-space, I know I know, when am I not?  Well, the diabetes has really been a kick in the ass.  I just have to keep increasing the doses and try and change my eating habits and find some stuff that I can eat.  It is hard.  The other thing is that I am feeling more and more a pull to my true self.

I want to cut my offending sac off many days.  I am not going to mutilate myself, but I just think about what I would be like without those offensive things hanging down.  I dream of sucking and fucking a great deal.  I am sure I can never have sex fully as the boy...I have progressed to far in accepting who I really am.  So where does that leave a Non-Op Transsexual?  The desire to be myself and the knowledge of what that means to all I have in life is ginormous.

I am at a place where I enjoy my job and feel I am doing good for many people.  That would evaporate quickly if I did come out and try to transition to something truer to me.  It is about the type of profession I am in and not legalities.  I would be no longer able to do the work I do now.  Plus, I know my Dad would never understand, he would love me, but it would confuse and probably destroy him.  That is not worth it right now.  Plus, even though I could change, at my age, I am past where the realities I would want and enjoy could really come true.

So I am resigned to seek intimacy here in cyberspace.  I do think sometime in my future I need to be in counseling or find a TG support group in a near-by, yet distant city.  It would do me well to find others like me to talk with and listen to, who knows maybe I will find something more than I realize through that process.  It is a journey and process.  I do think I understand why so many of us are submissive and desire to be pets.

I am a leader in my professional life.  I have to and am expected to make decisions and be in front of people.  I dream of not having the responsibility of leading.  I want to be the one told what to do and just go along.  I have a need to let go and release control to a loving person.  I don't want pain and torture, but I do desire the ability to serve and know I am cherished because I bring love and joy to someone.

Be well my readers.  Know I am struggling with my health.  I may be sparingly on.  I do have two captions in the November Rachel's Haven Contest, so expect them up soon.  I am toying with a story but it would be violent and must be thought about more.  The images are strong and powerful.

Love,
Your Alexia Rose

So Horny Lately

I am super horny lately.  I seem to just want to have my fingers in my hole all the time.  My freakishly large clit is so good staying inside my body as I rub over it.  I like looking at cocks alot, especially since the other day.  It is like I can't see enough of them.  I like nice big black cocks the best.  I think about how my lips would feel as I push my mouth over one.  I like the thought of running my tongue along the throbbing veins as I suck on one.

When I see a pussy being stretch out by a thick cock I get so jealous and sad.  I want to feel that in me.  I want a pretty pussy and to have those lips caressing a huge cock.  It is just all I can think about sometimes.  I wish I had a way to experience life as I desire.  I want to have my breast kissed and my pussy fucked hard.

I am such a cock slut.

Alexia

In my Head

IN MY HEAD...

I am a gorgeous redhead.

I am a kind hearted slut.

I love girls.

I love boys.

I can dance and move my hips in ways that make people hot and bothered.

I can rock a latex dress.

I have gotten rid of body hair from the neck down.

I am a stripper when i want to be.

I am not alone.

I am able to share love.

I am Alexia Rose.

 

Birthday Blues

It is funny how lonely you can feel on a day you are suppose to be celebrating.  I feel forgotten.

Swirls of Clouds

I am not sure what this will be about as I write this post.  I have so many feelings that are inside me.  Feelings that should be there and those that should not be inside.  I realize I am a neurotic woman.  I am someone that craves approval it seems.  When it is lacking I get very weird in my head.  I posted the cap for Rachel.  I know she has been under the weather and I understand her not making a comment.  What I do not get is how so many views occurred and only my Sweet Jillisa made a reply.  It brings up feelings that creep into my head and I believe so much that they are just imaginations of my depression and messed up life.  I get the break up scenario now.  I guess it is what I am feeling.  I once felt so close to so many on the Haven Boards, but I feel like I am just outside looking in now.

Maybe it has to do with my craziness and the eventual break from My Star.  She got the Haven and I am the one who is not wanted around.  I know that is silly.  In my heart I know this is not true.  My head whispers another story.  It tells of non-returned emails and just being passed by.  It is almost like, when I was so deep in depression I was unhealthy, I had more people around online.  I know My Star would say I just stopped chatting and pulled back.  I guess I did.  I was not up all night either anymore.  I was trying to sleep and do what I needed to live in the real world and be better.

Still, I am a mess.  I feel rejection where there isn't any.  I feel guilty for feeling like that and then just feel lonely.  My health just seems to be one cascading thing after another.  Sugar levels remain high no matter what I eat.  Temptation is always close by.  I stick a needle in my belly everyday and shoot 60 units of this Levemier stuff in me.  I sweat all the time.  I feel irritable and I snapped at the kids tonight.

Sometimes I want to find a way to transition so bad I do not care about losing my pitiful paying job or my Dad.  Reality smacks me as I see the finances I have and the poverty I would be in if not for Dad.  Sometimes the online play is so real for me I cry after my climax.  It hurts deep inside knowing I will never know the caress of someone or be able to cuddle in bed afterwards.  When I have to leave chat with people who give me experiences I feel so alone and sad.  It is a emptiness of knowing It is always just going to be in my mind.

As I type this I know some have probably checked out thinking about how "Alexia is whining again."  They are right.  I whine alot.  I know My Star probably hates me right now.  I just can't email her, it hurts too much.  I also do not want her to be subject to me if I flare up in some depressive state.  She deserves better.  I hope she has found someone close by her to help her and be there for her.  I pray every night for her.  I still love her so much.  

I better go to bed.  I need to be stronger for the weeks ahead.  I have so much to do and so many people that are depending on my completing my tasks.  I just wish I didn't feel like sleeping all the time.

Alexia 

THE STORY OF RACHEL

This past week the Goddess of the Haven celebrated her birthday.  I at long last wrote a caption for her.  I hope it is something that she liked.  I had been thinking of it the week before in my time before sleep takes over.  Each night I rewrote the story in my head a bit more.  Then I search for the right pictures.  The Model is Jackie Daniels.  She is cute and there were many pics that she was clothed so it helped with the story.  I send all my Love out to you Goddess Rachel.  Know you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.  *kiss*

Alexia Rose

Must Obey

I saw this in a consecutive list on my Blogroll.  I would obey easily as you see.  This has become such a fantasy of mine.

http://bubblepopmei.blogspot.com/2011/10/bbc-demands-reblog.html?zx=c8a1b39791cde52a
http://kyrasissymusings.blogspot.com/2011/10/obey-black-cock.html?zx=a31e8d2ba4b6d11b

I really want to suck a big hard black cock.  If I ever get to suck one for real, then this is what I want.  I want to take my tongue and tease the bottom of the crown of that penis as I look up at my hardbodied Lord and Master.  He tells me I am a good girl as I gag on his massive tool.  I work so hard for that blessed seed and feel my belly swell as I drink every drop.  I want to obey Him so bad.

Alexia