Swirls of Clouds

I am not sure what this will be about as I write this post.  I have so many feelings that are inside me.  Feelings that should be there and those that should not be inside.  I realize I am a neurotic woman.  I am someone that craves approval it seems.  When it is lacking I get very weird in my head.  I posted the cap for Rachel.  I know she has been under the weather and I understand her not making a comment.  What I do not get is how so many views occurred and only my Sweet Jillisa made a reply.  It brings up feelings that creep into my head and I believe so much that they are just imaginations of my depression and messed up life.  I get the break up scenario now.  I guess it is what I am feeling.  I once felt so close to so many on the Haven Boards, but I feel like I am just outside looking in now.

Maybe it has to do with my craziness and the eventual break from My Star.  She got the Haven and I am the one who is not wanted around.  I know that is silly.  In my heart I know this is not true.  My head whispers another story.  It tells of non-returned emails and just being passed by.  It is almost like, when I was so deep in depression I was unhealthy, I had more people around online.  I know My Star would say I just stopped chatting and pulled back.  I guess I did.  I was not up all night either anymore.  I was trying to sleep and do what I needed to live in the real world and be better.

Still, I am a mess.  I feel rejection where there isn't any.  I feel guilty for feeling like that and then just feel lonely.  My health just seems to be one cascading thing after another.  Sugar levels remain high no matter what I eat.  Temptation is always close by.  I stick a needle in my belly everyday and shoot 60 units of this Levemier stuff in me.  I sweat all the time.  I feel irritable and I snapped at the kids tonight.

Sometimes I want to find a way to transition so bad I do not care about losing my pitiful paying job or my Dad.  Reality smacks me as I see the finances I have and the poverty I would be in if not for Dad.  Sometimes the online play is so real for me I cry after my climax.  It hurts deep inside knowing I will never know the caress of someone or be able to cuddle in bed afterwards.  When I have to leave chat with people who give me experiences I feel so alone and sad.  It is a emptiness of knowing It is always just going to be in my mind.

As I type this I know some have probably checked out thinking about how "Alexia is whining again."  They are right.  I whine alot.  I know My Star probably hates me right now.  I just can't email her, it hurts too much.  I also do not want her to be subject to me if I flare up in some depressive state.  She deserves better.  I hope she has found someone close by her to help her and be there for her.  I pray every night for her.  I still love her so much.  

I better go to bed.  I need to be stronger for the weeks ahead.  I have so much to do and so many people that are depending on my completing my tasks.  I just wish I didn't feel like sleeping all the time.

Alexia