Swallowed by Darkness

Last Monday I experienced a heavy dose of Depression with very dark thoughts.  It was so bad that I scared myself.  I did something I have never done when like this and it scared me very much.  I had written a paragraph of a crazy rambling post and suddenly stopped and wrote what I did instead.  I will try and write more later this week.  Right now I am still really fluctuating in depression, but I am maintaining.

Thank you to all who reached out....I am sorry I scared any of you.

Alexia Rose

When you don't Love Yourself

Those that believe in a higher power, please pray for me.

I Dislike V-Day.

I really do not like Valentine's Day.  It is not the fact that it is a made up Holiday to make money between Christmas and Easter, no, I do not like it because I am always alone on V-Day.  It is a day that is a constant reminder of how lonely I am and just causes so much depression in my mind as I go on with life.  I see all the mush romantic stuff and yearn for that myself.  Here I am 40 and trapped as the wrong gender and I can only dream about Love.  It hurts deeply.

If you have someone special in your life, PLEASE, do not take them for granted.  Tell them you love them.  Show them what they mean to you.  Some of us would love to have that in our lives.

Alexia Rose 

Update on Life as a Non-Op TransGender Gal

The Sinuses have cleared up.  My head is having terrible pains with the shifting Air Pressure from the crazy weather.  Tuesday was horrendous, but I made it through.  I know I haven't been very creative.  It is a combination of depression and not taking any insulin right now.  I am trying to manage the Diabetes with just the other meds and diet.  Makes me tired and the depression saps my creative gumption.

I have been trying to focus my dreams.  I almost was able to shift my POV as myself.  I could see myself as the cute redhead with short hair in a mirror.  It was just hard to maintain a focus that kept my POV from shifting to seeing me instead of seeing out through my eyes.  I had a cute swirly red/pink paisley gauze top.  My aureoles were visible but blended into the fabric design.  No bra of course.  I had a very lite yellow colored vinyl or latex pants on.  Sensible green flats.  It was a cool look.

Eventually I tried to focus the dream to being made love to by a hunky guy.  One try I did get a POV of pleasuring a gorgeous woman.  I am horny alot.  I would be such a slutty gal if I had my true body.  Could you make enough doing porn to help out a bunch of charities?

One thing that is extremely hard right now is not feeling safe to be on Google Plus as my true female self.  I just have a fear of exposure and loss of Google Account.  Also a fear that the streams might get crossed sometime and I end up out there as the wrong body.  The boy is on.  I have a few followings that are Trans people.  I want to share sometimes that I am one of them, not just a kind person who sympathizes.  That would be a scary step in many ways...exposing the secret and risking someone mean ruining my life.

On a personal note, Bren, contact me.  I am worried about you and its been almost two months.  No silly insults or threats of spankings......it is not like you so I am worried.

Alexia    

Been Sick

I hate being sick.  Went through 2 boxes of tissues in three days.  Ears have been the worst.  On antibiotic now.  Hope to be better soon.  Yucky sick....Hate it.

Alexia Rose

I am still around

I know I have been away from the Blog and have probably worried some of you.  I am under the control of Depression, but just not the suicidal thoughts.  Right now it is the sleep and irritable parts.  I work and then just crash.  Probably the Diabetes has some effect as well.  I did want to write something so people would know I am here, just not inspired to write anything.  I did get one caption a month ago made for the Haven Quarterly.  Can't share it because it is exclusive to that publication.

I masturbate and read porn a lot.  The one good thing about having a small little cock is that it has learned to not become erect.  I like that feeling of being close to girlhood.  I sometimes wish that deformity of flesh that hangs below was gone as well.  Still, I seem to be at peace in terms of how my sexual solo acts work.  Still dream of being of service to a Master and Mistress.

My long hair has done something interesting.  At times I am being called ma'am.  I get an inward smile.  The funniest is when they are confused.

Just wanted to check in Sweeties.

Alexia Rose  

In my head.......

 I feel the collar bringing my deepest desires into reality.  Gone is all traces of the Boy and left is the woman I am.  Through the tight undergarment that secures my precious treasure moisture forms.  My head jerks with the pull of the chain and I know Mistress is displeased with my slowness in meeting her needs.  My mind begins to clear as I bend and take my punishment like a good girl.  Each strike makes me want to please her.  I resist the urge to finger my newly formed sex.  I know Mistress deserves an obedient slave.  I cross my legs to increase the tension of my ass cheeks.  Soon I will be given the commands that will allow me to show my devotion to this Goddess of Feminine Power.  My clit throbs as I feel my body flush with arousal.  The punishment is at an end.  My Mistress whispers soothing words in my ear.  Instructions that I eagerly await to follow.  She rubs a cooling salve over my red buttocks and then removes the impediments to my oral devotion.

She pulls my chain so my head descends rapidly to her sweet treasure.  Grabbing my hair she commands I pleasure her.  I quickly begin to lick and suck on her lips, building a slow dance with my tongue before diving into her soft folds.  I lap as the hungry doggie she wishes me to be.  My own pleasure is nothing, only she deserves pleasure.  I work a steady rhythm as I lick and tease her folds.  I gather her nub above my probing tongue and gently play with it.  Soon a am sucking and working her treasure as a skilled musician would play their instrument.  I feel her squirm and writhe in sweet joy as her crescendo builds.  She is resilient and enables me to work her over and over again as I taste the nectar of my Goddess.  Her juices energize me and allow more effort on my part to keep her riding wave upon wave of rapturous pleasure.   My nipples harden as I hear the gasps of enjoyment leave her lips.

I continue to tease her outer folds as she pulls my hair to guide my carnal work.  I nip and tenderly bite between using my tongue to penetrate her most sacred well.   She tells me of how pleased she is with me.  each word making my arousal grow.  The phrase Good Girl triggers my hypnotic commands and makes me shudder as I work her over and over.  Soon I feel the vibrations of release well inside her.  I clamp my mouth over her and begin drinking of her nectar as I feel my own wetness increase.  She is screaming Good Girl and I suck harder while completing the sexual circuit we have created.

She lies back panting as I kneel beside her.  Soon she gathers enough strength to rise and guide me to her bed chamber.  I strip naked as does Mistress.  I curl up in her waiting arms and drift off into a pleasant sleep inside her protective embrace.  Her breast warm my back as her hand slowly caresses my body.  She tells me she loves me and we will always be together.  I know that when I take the collar off I will still be hers and I smile.