existing

pretty much what i said in may is still true.  just writing to let those that care know i am still living.

Alexia

wish for my reality to be real

I am so torn right now.  I am being forced by work to be even more assertive.  It is killing me inside.  I just want to desperately be the little submissive slut I know I am.  Even now after writing something to my mistress i feel the effects of just letting myself go and be really me.  I could sit and be commanded by her or just kneel in her presence.  It would be lovely.

I am also realizing I am very attracted to strong and beautiful women that have cocks.  I see some very pretty women on sites and would wrap my mouth eagerly around their hard shafts.  I can envision being similar, but deep down I know I want to have a real vagina that they could penetrate.

I wish I could be me for real and forever instead of living a trapped life.

Alexia

Wow...I knew I had been gone a while

I have been away so long.  Probably many have forgotten all about me or figured I just stopped being.  I have a second job and it requires me to be so in charge I think it causes me to not have energy to be in the world.  I know I lack time to feel like the submissive I am.  The other day my Mistress that has taken me as her Pet allowed me to just be.  It was nice not having a mind other than to obey her.  She is perfect, a woman with both a cock and pussy.  When she uses me I can be me.

I watched a film online where a woman became a true pet.  She lived as his puppy type human pet and it was so perfect.  He loved and protected her until the people he was involved with that shared his kink tried to take her.  It was sad when she died.  The only part missing for me was servicing both the Master and his Mistress in this film.

I am sad a great deal.  I know I will never know what it is like to have a true physical intimacy as myself.  Online is it and after that time ends when it happens I feel empty.  I know I let Mistress down because when she has finished I check out.  My mind becomes sad and tired and I just want to cry.  I guess I am like many girls out there who know they will never be fulfilled in life because they are trapped in a prison of male flesh.

Alexia

MISTRESS RIGHT

I found this new cap in my Haven folder.  It is by realfield and she captures my desires completely.  I feel the way I look in the cap when I read it.  Her Blog is here http://captioncandycounter.blogspot.com/.

Alexia Rose

I'm OK, I Guess

It feels funny writing OK in the title, but I did want to let those that seem to care about me know I was still around.  The new and second job has been an adjustment and I am not online as much.  It is causing me to miss being around as I have to be in charge.  I found myself the other day just melting into a submissive state while surfing the Net.  I really am struggling in some ways, but OK in other ways.

I share this pic because it is of a gorgeous woman I would obey in a heartbeat.  I would live to wrap my lips around her shaft and suck until she was screaming in delight.  She is just so pretty I wanted to share.

Alexia

Not Bad Not Good

So I missed the Doctor's appointment.  I had the wrong day and was a day late.  It is rescheduled.  I started a second job.  It is early, then a break, then back in the afternoon.  So I am in a readjusting period while being very depressed.  Its funny how I can walk around and play like everything is OK when inside I am a mess.

I watched a movie with Strippers in it and was so jealous.  I wish I could do that for a living.  Be flexible and move to music while becoming a focus of lust and want.  It is something I wish I could be.  I guess that is also why I want a body that is long and lithe.  It would be so nice to have men and women watch as I stripped down to bare flesh.

I have been dreaming of my Criminal Minds crush.  Shemar Moore is so sexy, but I realize it is his character of Derek Morgan that I love.  I have this dream of him coming out of a pool naked and dripping wet.  He takes me doggie style and just makes my body quiver.

I am still here.  Not feeling great, but not thinking the dark thoughts as hard.

Alexia

Pushing against the Darkness

Sunday I felt like I might stop fighting.  I had a big stressor and it has been a big thing that continues in a different way.  I did not take the fast acting pill because I knew it would make me sleepy and I had to work.  I spent a few hours alone and just thinking about cutting my wrist.  I have a pocket knife on me all the time and it was a thought I kept having.  I think now I am past the worst for now.  I took two of those pills that night to get there and another on Monday.  The kids I work with are all I have now that seems to keep me going.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.  I wonder if I can find the courage to talk to hum about this and also the other major thing about me that I have to keep hidden.  Can I share that I am transgender?  I don't know.  I just feel so tired sometimes of being alone and I feel guilty about writing it here.  I think I just feel a need to put it in the Universe.

Pray for me.

Alexia Rose