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I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. It is a case of apathy I guess. That and not doing anything on the computer but surrendering to fetish desires to be taken over and used as a toy. Reading stories of transformation and lots of sex. Feeling sorry for myself and sleeping sometimes when I could have been writing. I wish I could fade away some much of the time Just watch my body dissolve and become nothing. Isn't that silly? I did have a dark patch for a bit as well. I would imagine going out into the woods and taking my shotgun and ending my life. I would imagine this in a detached way, like it was more a movie instead of a wish. Maybe the medicine works.
I have been imagining a different thing lately. It is a handsome black man that is well defined and well endowed. He takes me and makes love to me and the thoughts of his strong cock pushing in and out of the vagina I so wish I had makes me forget all else and just want to cry.
I am not OK. I am lonely. I am in a weird space in my head. I feel lost.
Alexia
Health issues all week.
Pain all week.
Just found out a job opportunity is now closed.
Life sucks.
Alexia
Today started with such promise. I had the usual health pains and stuff, but I was functional. All it took was being berated by the parental unit to spin into a state of high anxiety. I was whirling and just spiraling. My hands were shaking and I took a nerve pill. I then just turned the lights out and placed the sleep apnea mask on and tried to go away.
I was mad. I was depressed. I was almost crying but that is painful in a mask. I began fighting with myself in my head. Then I just gave up and accepted that I am nothing and that is what I should be. Some thoughts of just taking every pill I have and all the pills in the house floated through my head. Then I figured I would screw that up and soon I was gone. I know I dreamed, but I think they were disturbing. I came to about two hours later. I was in need of the bathroom and some water. So I hydrated and just drifted back into the darkness. This was my day and part of the night.
I just felt numb and still feel numb. I would be better to all if I could just live in the world of my dreams. I think about that a bunch. I imagine my hand dissolving and the rest of my body following. Just to cease to be at all. I tried going to a place Mistress Kayla placed in my mind, but a storm was raging there. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.
Alexia
Something strange happening down on the farm.
I have always been fascinated and frightened of wolves. It is a strange mix of awe and respect I have for these animals. Werewolves just bring a different angle for me and my imagination. I would like to become the she-wolf of this story.
Alexia
This one was to be an advertisement type cap for the Haven Quarterly.
Alexia
Another that was made for the Haven Quarterly. I saw another cap made from this set of pics after I had turned this one in. It was neat to see a different interpretation of the image.
Alexia
